Here we are, that familiar Friday feeling. This week has been a difficult one mentally it feels, I just seem to be a lot more susceptible to fear recently. I used to be able to bat off these thoughts,but not so much these days.
I just wish I could get back into control with my life. At least when I was in a job that I hated, I could Channel that anger into something more positive and made me more eager to do different things, far me more direction. Now, I really do feel lost. And everyone's telling me I'm doing so well but it's not true, I'm dealing with everything very poorly indeed and I'm so unsettled all the time, and I don't feel any confidence in myself or what I'm doing.
I wish I felt happier in my designs, I feel it slipping away from me. But I don't mind. I'm starting to consider new career moves, nursing, teaching, run of the mill things that people turn their noses up at, but I know I'd be good at because I know I'd be making a difference to people's lives. I love people, and I miss them when I'm away from them for too long. But I feel my family and friends would be disappointed if I gave up and did that, so maybe I should wait things out for another few months and see how I feel then...
Am I really where I want to be? I just wish I knew, felt a pull like I used to which helped me feel a bit more like I had an idea as to what I was doing. Right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Right in the middle of this busy station, everyone staring at me and sighing over cups of coffee and stupid magazines, the idea of running away has never been so appealing. I want to be surrounded by friends and family, feel all safe and secure.
I know they're not far away,maybe I should go home.
The new job is going well,although I feel a bit daft calling it 'new' now I've been there for a couple of months. But I do feel like it's the sort of place I won't be for a long time, and I'm not sure why I think that is. But, I feel like I've joined at a time where lots of changes are being made, which also puts me on edge, people leaving and managers threatened with being fired. I've also not been paid for a while,and I feel like financial pressures are creeping back in. Hopefully it won't be forever.
Joe and me are fine, he's still depressed with his work situation which sometimes I find hard to deal with. I try and be there for him as much as I can, but it can be so difficult when he's so negative. I know when he finally gets a job he'll be much happier but there's no telling when that's be. At the least he's trying.
The other night I went out, had a few drinks with the social group which was nice. As much as I wanted it to, the alcohol was having no effect at all,and I just found myself getting more and more tired as the evening went on. But I got talking to Rob, who I've been getting to know more over the past couple of weeks and he listened, gave me a hug and said it sounded like I wasn't very happy. Maybe I'm not. I always tell people I am.
I'm interested in him though, I want us to click more but I feel there's a link that's missing which is a good thing really because if he could make me laugh like joe could, then I'd be in the awkward position of liking him a lot. But he's a wee bit awkward, needs warming up a little in conversation before it gets 'normal' in the nicest of ways! But anyway, I think I'm meeting up with him tomorrow, joe will e going up North to see some of his old friends...I wish I was going with him. Maybe one day we'll be able to get away together. Who knows, who knows...
Still sitting on this train and it's not moving. Maybe it won't ever, 'sorry I couldn't make it in today,the train just remained stationary...' I feel so tired :(
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