Aww, there's always a tinge of sadness on my way back from home. I always enjoy the familiar home comforts, catching up with my brother who is about to embark on the next phase of his life; Uni, and unloading all my problems and worries onto my dear mother. I feel bad when I come away because I feel like I've made everything about me,but it's rare that I get a moment to talk to someone who will actually listen. By that I mean, someone who asks about your well being to actually hear how you are because they care,not as another opening question to talk about themselves. And I seem to surround myself with people who do the latter. I don't mind, as I love to listen. But recently I've been feeling so confused about what I'm doing with myself and work wise, I really needed her opinion.
I got invited for an interview at that company I conversed with terribly on the phone,which is a glimmer of hope. I really do think the chances of me getting it are very very small,but I'm so happy I've been given the chance to give it a proper go. I enjoy interviews,although they are nerve wracking. If I do get it on the other hand,well, it really will be a game changer...
It's been a beautiful sunny day,it feels like I've not seen the sun for years. But now as it's slowly setting in the sky,I've got a lot of weighing up to do. When I was younger, I used to write lists. I also used to write my most pressing concerns and then answer them with my level-headed side of my brain! It helped clear a few things up I like to think. But I know that something I desperately need to get on top of is my current job situation. I need to get a handle on the bottom of a ladder I want to progress my way up on, because I really don't want to find myself doing shift work and still clawing my way by with bay and brown this time next year. I think the time has come to aim higher!
The new job in the shop is much better than where I used to be,that's for sure. But it's still not a place I want to be for long because I'm already finding flaws in the place, I don't really agree with the way they run things. I would never say, but I just want to slip in and then creep out again without them really noticing! Haha although I don't know how possible that is! I'm sure it'll be just as unpleasant as it has been in the past and will continue to be in future.
- I need to start seriously applying for proper jobs. A proper job in London will mean I will start to get proper pay, which will mean I can start saving,which will then mean I will have more power and control(; I may then start to lead a more independent life.
- After a career move, I can then make a relationship move.
I am aware that I am approaching that time in my life where I want to settle down and lead an adult life. I don't want to be a student anymore, I want to take things seriously and give things a proper go. And if I'm wanting to go in that direction I need someone who's ready to want the same things as me. And I just don't know where joe sits in all of this. It'll be 5 years in the summer, I can't honesty consider living in a life without him? But then, can I wait another 5 years? I just don't know.
I talked a lot to mum about it, which I like doing because she's always honest, but in a nice, understanding way. When I talked more, we had a little moment and she looked sad, 'aw phoebe, that was what it was like with me and your dad...so nearly perfect but one element just wasn't right,' and look where they are now. It all makes me feel so low, we've been through so much together and he knows me so well,he really understands me and I'be just never met anyone who makes me laugh like he does. And that's so important. I just wish he was a lil more proactive about things...
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