At last. Some change is on the cards.
It's not in the area I would ideally like it to be, such as change of job, but that will come later. At the moment, I think any change is a good thing. Later today I've decided to do something I haven't done in over 10 years.Get a hair cut.
To some, this really would be a shocker.But I have a weird Barnet that chooses to grow and cut itself seasonally. I've been absolutely fine with it, but a couple of days ago when I looked in the mirror I thought it was finally time to do something a bit drastic and get something sorted. I am actually beginning to get very nervous, hairdressers never really give you the look you want but I've decided to go to an expensive one to hopefully get something I won't regret. Because my god, if I do, that might make everything so much worse! But hopefully it'll be a positive thing, that marks the start of a 'new me.'
And in that spirit, I've also made a bold move in cutting out another person out of my life who I should have done a long time ago. After first meeting her at Uni,I knew that she would be a difficult character. And she still is to this day. When I went up to visit her at the weekend, I knew there would be a certain amount of stress involved because there always is with her. But this really was one of the worst weekends I've ever spent and I told myself pretty much as soon as I got there, it would be the last time I'd ever put myself in that position again. She's not a bad person, but her and her mother live in a very dysfunctional world. It was very surreal to behold.
So after an unpleasant couple of days spending a lot of money I don't have on unnecessary ventures to just keep her amused, we had the much anticipated night out. Our other friend texted late to tell us she wasn't sure she could make it for a number of reasons, and then didn't end up coming out. Although I was disappointed, because my god did I want someone to break up the evening a bit, but there was no way I was as angry as she was, and she decided to text her to tell her so. It all got a bit unpleasant (well, as unpleasant as texting words to each can other can be,) but this sort of thing is a big deal to her. I just thought things were getting more and more ridiculous, then she started turning on me! Wished I would show people my 'bad side' as I'm the only person I show my 'bad side' to. Which, to be quiet frank, is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard! IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE BAD SIDE WITHIN ME THAT I BURY SO DEEP WITHIN ME WHEN I'M WITH YOU!! YOU BRING OUT THE WORST IN ME TO EVERYONE BUT YOU! I just couldn't believe what a stupid thing that was so say. And as it went on, I realised that this was the golden opportunity to distance myself completely. And I have. And my god does it feel good.
I feel she thoroughly deserves it, for all the shit she's put me through in the past. There has been so, so many times, more to count that she's upset and offended me. She's not even a friend to me, she does nothing for me whatsoever. She uses me to make herself feel better and moans at me, complains at me, just walks all over me. And finally the time has come to leave her, for her to finally realise what she's lost. And this time, I won't be there for her. As will nobody else. And I do feel a little bit of guilt, only because I can already see that she's left with nobody before she can see that.
No good, no good. And you know what? I'm proud of myself! The weight off my shoulders has finally been lifted, and she was someone who took much pleasure in controlling me, and now I've taken away that power.
So what's next? Get a new job and get out of this one, that's what!
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