Working on a dream

Like most of these entries these days, I'm sitting on a train waiting to depart to another destination, this time it's home! I had an early venture into London to meet another deadline. But as I'm thinking about it all, I finally feel as though I'm 'back in the game.' I feel like I've been out of the loop for a long time, and I found no real comfort in my abilities. But today I feel differently, and more positive about things. If I can keep this up, I things should move in he right direction.
I've also vowed to start jogging again. Which is a ridiculous statement I know! I really don't enjoy it, but I want to learn to enjoy it. Not only for losing a lil weight but also to help my emotional state of mind I think it's because most days I'm just sat in a cold room not moving all day! And I feel if I did a bit of exercise to unleash a bit of these pent up frustrations,well, it can't be a bad thing. I'm planning to when I get in actually but I'm pretty sure as soon as I sit down I'll get too comfortable. But it's funny how thinking about it is already making me feel better about everything! I used to be an active person, but I never went out of my way to exercise, because its kinda boring. I don't really like focusing all my attention on how quickly I'm getting out of breath and how much sweat is forming around the top of my forehead! But hell, I've got to give it a go. It'll also mean eating more of what I love!

Me and joe have taken it upon ourselves to set his brother an online dating account. It's a bit devious I know, but it's well intentioned! He's such a lovely guy and I feel like even without trying he's given up. I think he's thought about Internet dating before bit wrote it off at the idea of facing a written 'first impression' which is understandable. It's been fun, trialling through all these girls and their photos and mini descriptions, it just made me think how many people there are in the world. Who all want the same thing! To find someone to have fun with, settle down with, explore he world with. We both agreed that it was a tempting thing to do, or at least,comforting to know it was a good thing to fall back on if it all fell apart. It was amazing how many girls had put 'bisexual' down and that they were 'looking for everyone.' It made me feel like that it was a lot more normal than people admit. It made me think about my own feelings about it, I've definitely had thoughts, like, I do feel attraction towards women and I guess at times it is sexual! But I can never picture myself in a relationship with another women. But I've never had the chance either! I wouldn't rule it out I guess. But is that weird? Me and joe have talked about it before, but he didn't really react, just thought it was interesting. I suppose it's because I gravitate towards the 'family' ideas these days that pushes it towards the back of my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I gave it a go just to get it out of my system I could just move on from it. I mean it's not a massive deal, but I do think about it.

Ah, sex, sexual orientation and sexual attraction are all such interesting subjects...I think it's what makes us human, to want to experiment and try out new things. Greed for satisfaction.

I wonder how everything will work out. I mean, the days keep on going by and I don't feel much closer to where I want to or should be. Maybe I should wait til next August to make a decision, because then it'll be about a year of doing why I've been doing and I can review the options I have available. I can see what joes plans are to. At the moment, it's all about his script writing. I've always thought he was talented at writing and I think he could so very well, its just the money side of things which is bit undecided. It kinda puts s hold on any independent plans we could have, like getting a place of our own, going away somewhere...it gets me down sometimes. But then, why am I rushing? Why do I want it all? I just need to try and get myself focused and on the right track first! Ah, my mind keeps drifting.

Home. Buy a new sketch pad. Walk home. Go for a jog. Then chill! Plan of action in place!