Do you find joy in your life, and more importantly, do you give joy to others?

God bless this crazy,dead end town.
I realise it must have been nearly 3 years ago I came back here to amble around the groggy streets and run down shops, while the seagulls crowing angrily in the sky. I'm not sure why I tell myself why I miss it, because it really is dreadful. But it's the people who make a place what it is, and seeing her for the first time in a long while filled me with such joy, like I was 16 again. With care free attitudes about life and work, centred around love and happiness, children and almost fairy tale endings. I laughed so hard at our moans that were shared and we shared pictures of colourful cocktails late into the night. It felt like home, as cheesy as it all sounds.
I'm now sitting on a train to my usual distinction on a Friday, the same usual cold and grey outlook in both weather and emotional state of mind. I am nervous like always about what will be when I get there. I just hope the designs look okay, good enough to my boss's standards and get the heck out of the there! But really, I want to be pleasantly surprised. We'll just have to see. At the end of the day. I did my best and that's all you can do.

It was lovely to see her family again to and a her boyfriend Andy, who seemed like a very reasonable,level headed guy. He takes good care of her,really treats her well and is motivated by his work,yeah, a really decent chap. I heard lots about him of course, they've had their ups and downs but now they're planning on moving in together which is exciting. It made me reflect again on my own relationship, and how lucky I am. I can e so foolish sometimes, daydreaming about sexual fantasies and men who will sweep me off my feet, I mean, I make it sound like its all I care about. But really, they're just passing thoughts where I can't tell anyone but let it out on here instead. I roll my eyes as I read it back but then again you can't help the way you feel about some things.

And as we pull away from the station I feel myself shuttling towards uncertainty . I always get myself worked up like this and I really fear that my work will look so poor in comparison to the others,lets hope some will be okay. It was nice to talk about the olden days and how things are now, the people we've lost touch with along the way. I like that we both feel similar when it comes to family life and work. It doesn't matter what job I end up having, I will alway be creative and do what I love. But I can't shake off this feeling off having something to prove to all of those who ever doubted me. And I guess it's that side of me that's putting me in the nervous position I am now. Fighting it, even if it is a very easy battle for others. Anxiety has always been an emotion that runs high within my family and it strikes at any occasion be it small or major without fail. But I know what without it, my motivation dwindles.

Lets hope today will be better than I believe it to be, and see how I feel in a few hours time...