Still missing you...and the way the things used to be.Sometimes I wonder if I'll always carry this around with me,all these same thoughts, circulating round and round my mind.
I am hopeful that in only a matter of days things will begin to change. I know that to make anything like that happen,you need to take matters into your own hands and be the catalyst.
To be honest, I'm a little scared. And it's all rather daunting, they'll be a lot of preparing to do and it's hard to find the time.But doesn't that sound pathetic? - I realise that's the second time I've used that word to describe myself lately and I think it's very accurate, because all I seem to do these days is sulk in a reminiscent daze, with everything around me just flying past. These past few months after finishing uni have really gone by much faster than I would have ever predicted-and it's not going to slow down! Really I need to pull myself together and just deal with the 'now' and just get on with things.
I remembered an old blog I used to keep back in the days of 2005 and 2006, before this one,which really does feel like a long, long time ago.When I managed to remember my password,I trawled through all the teenage dramas and smilies for a good hour or two,which was almost as much as I could stand. But I read the mentions to my fellow blogging friends, bitching about happenings in classes, and conversations between crushes. It lead me to their own blogs, talking about love, sleepovers and the discoveries of alcohol! It just brought so many memories back,and I really would never change them as it has brought me here today.But I do wish that we could all look back at these times together, giggle and joke about how we used to be and look at how things have changed now.But after I drifted off into those thoughts I realised that will probably never happen now.And probably for the best to. I then deleted it.
I'm not sure why I did, but I found it more cringey than anything, and knew that I had to let it go. Also, I didn't want any of them to stumble upon who I used to be,either, as childish as it sounds. They were the ones who cut themselves away,why should they be able to see who I am now without being invited in? The old me would have welcomed them regardless,I know that :( Maybe I should be the more grown up one?But for what? Too much time has gone by.And that's true for many things and many relationships. It's okay to still think about them, isn't it?
With Lewis,the guy who revolted me and broke my heart at the same time!I have about 3 journals written by hand that I wrote, documenting the exciting times and the devastation when he broke up with my by letter.It was all so raw back then,everything is just so massive!We still remain friends though, well, we don't really chat anymore but every now and then he'll send me a message and I know if we were to bump into each other it would be fine and probably quiet fun.I always used to have a soft spot for him,but I wouldn't call it love. Not with Lee, not even a relationship really,but someone I got with not long after.I remember we made out on the beach and he loved tea.Then it was Luke, my first proper relationship. Polar opposites,but we started talking, exchanged numbers and he walked me to my lesson in 6th form and asked me out.It was so cute,I think he was shaking,and from then on we had many good times.He was my first, and he was mine, lasted all of two minuets but god was it an amazing feeling!I was lucky enough to never share the same experience a lot of girls get when it's their first time. I remember feeling a year before Uni that I didn't picture my future with him, and why stay together to inevitably break up?And then I did.The next few weeks were awful, he threw all the letters I wrote him on my desk and he spread rumours.But then it got better.He's got a baby now,I haven't seen him for years.But his parents still recognise me and make a point of saying hello,which I'm always grateful for.There were crushes in-between but soon after I started my part time job at Iceland,I got with Ben and that was probably my first love.Maybe because he had a certain edge to him,which I would soon regret knowing.But the turbulence and quick temperament made for such passion,that really was unbelievable and of a sort I will always remember. Although I resent him for trying to change me at the time, when we were finally finished I has grown up a lot without him even realizing.We text occasionally but I also haven't seen him in years. He's been with his girlfriend as long as I've been with Joe, and we both met our respective partners at the same time.There is no bitterness now,although it took me a long time to get over him.I enjoyed the fact that he was older,took me places, went to gigs, showed me music I hadn't heard before, films I'd never seen before and stayed in hotels...funny how long ago that is now.I hope I don't forget any of my past relationships. It's like Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (who Lewis first introduced me to actually,) where you think you only remember all the nasty memories of when you used to fight and cry and say things you now regret.But once they are striped away, lovely ones remain, where there was laughter, fun and experiences one might never have again.
I've been thinking about resolutions for the new year, but they're actually things I need to put into place now;
- Make more effort to spend time with my friends, and making new ones.
- Hit things head on, don't avoid them or save them til the last minuet.
- Try to be more confident in situations, instead of shying away.
- Eat better.
- Exercises more (classic)
- Apply for new jobs in London.
- BELIEVE IN MYSELF.
I'll add to that list before the new year I'm sure,but that's all I can really think of for now.
Tomorrow is my last day at work for a good couple of weeks which is really exciting,I can't wait.I really need to pluck up the courage to tell my boss that in the new year she needs to find somebody else,because really I think I need to do my designing full time.I think the pay will get better the more time I put in.Ah well, we'll have to see.I hate the thought of letting her down,but I need to put the most important things first...
*Title in memory of the Lostprophets,who I'll still always enjoy musically.
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