It's funny how one little thought can just spark off a conversation out of nowhere!
It'a also funny how after so many years the glance of a name can bring back the feelings you once had long ago.I find myself a little confused. I mean, ultimately it means nothing,on this busy Christmas eve he's probably drunk now really realising what he's doing. But 'Finch lyrics, help!' just made me start to think. That wow, he still has his number in his phone! for what? and Finch was a band he used to hate but bought us tickets to go to see as a surprise one night.I also remember him texting me 'Letters to you' lyrics after I went back to Uni one time,which I remember being actually rather thoughtful.I wonder why he's going to see them gig again.Ah well, I replied but I'll probably never know. And that's fine, it's for the best.
But it's the curiosity to see how he's doing these days, and also partly for selfish reasons as well. Maybe more so! I'd love him to see how much I've grown up now, how I'm still the same old me he used to know, but also developed direction, a career (well,almost!) a place of my own...and just generally see that now i'm a little more refined that the girl I used to be and who he tired to change. I'd love to see him and catch up as friends.But then, why can't I have the same feelings I have with some old friends I used to be close to, who I told myself 'didn't have the right to get an insight to my life now'? Why am I happy to let him in again?I wonder if he'll always have this impact on me. all it seems to take is a couple of words...
What I seem to conveniently forget though, on this evening last year we had such a massive argument because I didn't come out for couple of drinks with his friends, I cried right until Christmas morning because he was a drunken dick! He always did horrible stuff like that, for the hell of it, because he knew he had the control. And also knew that just by saying 'sorry' over and over,I'd cave and forgive him without even telling him how much he'd hurt me.We weren't compatible as people then, what makes me feel like we could be now? I've grown up and am nearly the age he was when I first met him. He's in the same Job, same house as he used to right back then...I'm pretty sure he hasn't changed a bit.He always was stubborn.
Maybe one day we'll bump into each other on the street and smile, and that'll be all.After all, it's the start of a new year soon, and I've got much bigger things to be thinking about and cracking on with. Nothing rubs in success and maturity more than just getting on with your life without saying anything at all. We'll just have to see what fate deals out for me in that respect, relationships..friends...I do hope I meet some nice new people in the new year. I need to have new people to concentrate on instead of all this old news that just seems to be treading on old ground...
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