My secret admission is my secret weakness...I'll always succumb to it.
Another entry of jumbled thoughts. Best to just let it all out.
I feel mixed up with different emotions today. The words won't come out how I want them to right now,but I just felt the need to type what's on my mind. So I'm not going to even think about it,I'm just going to type whatever thoughts I have come into my mind and write them out:
I've been looking back at tagged photos of the past couple of years, and can't help but notice how much better I appeared much thinner...I need to get back to that weight,eventhough technically it was underweight.It was never intentional,just lots of constant hard,stressful work giving me no time to eat the junk I seem to these days.Was I happier back then?I can't tell.A lot of the smile are false.I don't know why I think that being thinner will make me any happier,I just seem to have it lodged in my mind as a challenge constantly nagging me. I'm good at controlling myself when I'm alone. I saw lots of my family today which is our usual tradition,it was lovely to see my cousin and her new baby and growing little one full of personality. It was hard to ignore my wonderful mother's sadness,though.I can't stand the idea of her feeling upset,but I know the whole set-up makes her feel low,I wish there was something I could do to help.Not go down the same path,I suppose.Always be strong and keep being creative and doing the things I love and enjoy doing, as her sister seems to have become quite disjointed from life. I feel saddened by it all myself,as it's hard to sit in a crowded room with everyone ignoring what seems to very obvious.But we do,because it's less awkward that way.Hitting extremely difficult problems head on is a very tricky business.
I also feel a little on edge, feel guilty for having free time.I should be doing designs but really I want to go out and catch up with my friends here,while I have the chance. I also feel very lucky,to have received all the lovely presents I got this year, and every year for that matter. I always find myself thinking into the future and what next Christmas will be like,and what I'll be doing. I also wonder if I'll still be in the relationship I am now. Should I be thinking like that? Sometimes I wonder if I'm waiting for something else to come along maybe...or wait for him to catch me up,I'm still not convinced we want the same things in life at the moment.But we'll see.I really want to achieve something special next year.I would love to get a new, impressive job.But then again,I want to be anywhere where I can be with people. Try and spread some joy and make friends and be occupied and busy... preferably paid.I want the glamorous job title for everyone else,but for me I know I'd be happy in a tiny bakery somewhere in town,with my own tiny flat with shelves full of books and canvas's on the wall,paintbrushes on the windowsills in old rusting tins.With enough to get by,but not enough to stop dreaming of the same dreams.I want to accomplish something with my degree,obviously.And to break the mould in the creative industry would be simply wonderful.But I know that it's tricky and highly competitive.Why kid yourself.But a chance would be nice.
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