I'm at a bit of a loss for words today.But I think 'winning a battle, losing a war' by Kings of Convenience sums up how I'm feeling pretty well.
I always used to try and include a track in every entry I wrote,back in the day when I was so much more enthusiastic about...day to day life I suppose.I was always listening to music,it was just such a wonderful form of escape,and could always finds the words I couldn't scramble together in my head.It still does all those things,but I just find myself not fancying it or when I do,it brings me down.Maybe technology hinders me a bit,I'm limited to music playing devices at the moment.But then music always used to be such a social thing to me to, would want to share with everyone I knew what a great new album I'd stumbled upon or a new gig coming up that I thought everyone should go and see.It's a big part of my family,music.I feel quiet inadequate if I don't bring anything new or exciting to the table when I return home.But then again,I come away with a lot.I guess like most things I feel like later in life,in a couple of years,I'll get it back again.And I'll learn an instrument.That's definitely on my 'to do' list.
I do feel like I've drifted away and I'm not as happy I used to be.People are starting to cotton on now and I wonder if maybe my barrier is wearing thin.If I ever get the chance to talk about how I feel,I start to cry.It makes it seem like I have an awful life,when really it's not even close to being any of the sort.It makes me feel even more upset that I can't find happiness in what I have around me,that nobody else would ever doubt or complain about.It's not that I don't want to find it,it's just there's still something not quite right and I wish I could let whatever it was, out.
Maybe I'm not being as creative as I should be.I used to paint, draw, collage and sew every single day.Now I've got a full time job that drains me away as each hour goes by I find that my inspiration dwindles and my spark vanishes.
Maybe it's because I'm not really where I want to be.I'm in a constant state of feeling like I owe somebody something,like they're waiting for me to do something for them and then that'll make everything alright.I don't really know what I'm getting at there,but I just feel like when the day is over and I'm about to fall asleep something pops into my head and causes me to worry that I'm just not doing enough.I wish I could get a clean break and get away.I want to join the groups of adventurous souls who want to travel to different parts of the world and see everything people dream of.I want to be in a completely new place,with new surroundings and new people surrounding me,I want to build new, quality friendships.
Why do I feel like my time is running out?In every sense.I feel like with making new friends I've missed out so many chances I won't get any more.I feel like I've only a couple of years to have children and then that window of time will have passed.I feel like with my career,I just haven't acted fast enough and all the fantastic opportunities that were once open to me have been taken by far better organised people.Pressure.Just so much pressure on my shoulders every day.I live in an environment where I can't be comfortable around my things, make my own creative mess...I live with someone I can't communicate with how I'd like...everything feels a bit alien at this time.
I wish I could find a way to escape mentally.I wish I lived near the sea,wish I could live in a quite,calm house so I could meditate.I wish I had the time to try and talk to those who I love.A few years ago,I used to pray.I never do it these days, only when I'm really worried about something.Not to a God in particular,but to all those that touched my life and passed on.I do still believe they're watching over me,and keeping me safe,I just feel so out of touch.
Well,I suppose the way to make things better is by trying and making the effort myself.At least this load of waffle has helped me realise a few things I need to work on now...
No comments:
Post a Comment