A sterling quote from my father there.It doesn't matter how bad, monotonous or daft things get,I know I can truly only rely on him to give me advise and the best way to approach a situation.I'll always carry his wisdom with me.
Feeling, again, a bit mixed today.Feelings like a bit of a pattern going on,always feeling a mixture of stuff and unable to label just one thing going on.But I guess it's been an interesting weekend all in all.Last night was fun, we went to an incredible gig (Animal Collective) which was just sensational, had a lovely time and met some lovely new people to.He's got such lovely friends,the friends I almost envy,because they're all just so care-free,fun,exciting and witty groups of people,all with an enormous amount of love between them all.Maybe that's just guy friendships.Either way,I loved being a part of it,even if just for a few hours,I felt truly happy and excited.It suddenly clicked and it leapt into my head 'this was exactly how I used to be until a couple of years ago,when I started getting stressed out...' I realized that maybe it's just the people I was surrounded by that stressed me out,and caused me to change quiet a lot and bury who I used to be.
I've outgrown them now.
This evening I spent a good deal of my time searching in the sky,amazed at the beautiful fireworks exploding with colour. I've always loved firework night,(who doesn't!) it just takes me back to being a little girl again,when the colours just lit up the whole sky and I would gasp and point on top of dads shoulders,they are truly unlike anything else.So magical.I loved just being lost up there,enjoying every moment.Why do I worry over such little things?Why do I feel that achieving certain things in life will ultimately achieve happiness?I know the things that make me happy,and denying them will only make me drift further away.
I hit a low note when an old friend from Uni reminded me that I was meant to be coming up this weekend.I really,really don't want to go.I know I miss friendship and travelling and social times,but I know this really isn't going to be one of those times,but quite simply,an ordeal for me.The financial worry, the time it takes to get there,the time there,then coming back to work the entire week,it's just too much.I know I just need to drift away now,I need to distance myself and I need to be strong.She won't make it easy,but I know that I'll feel much better without her on my back the whole time.
It was this time last year that was the last time we saw each other,if my memory serves me correctly.I remember choosing a night at home with Joe instead of meeting you and your friends,I made the choice of deciding what was the best thing to do,and finally,right now I feel that I did make the right choice.I will always have the amazing memories of our amazing times together,but I know now that it's not what we had that I miss.It's the meeting and getting to know someone all over again,just the excitement of learning something new and being apart of someone else's life.I feel it now because recently,I've realised I've stopped thinking about people of my past so much,in fact,not for a good long while and that really is an achievement.I don't know how long it'll last,but I hope it's progress into the right direction.
I'm not one of these people who ever forgets anyone.Especially someone who was once very special and close to me.It's almost like an honour,for the good times we had,my memory won't allow me to erase them because later I know there will be no sadness but smiles instead when thinking back on old days gone by.
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