'Sometimes I wonder if you'd be happy with someone else who is...more on track,' Joe said to me as we were drifting off to sleep. After a long and kinda awkward conversation about babies.I guess it is a topic which can go one way or the other; either complete excitement and enthusiasm or a definite 'no,it's not the time' statement that bluntly ends wherever it was going.
It's fair enough really,I guess it did kinda come out of nowhere and I'm not even sure why because I don't think even I'm ready.It's just,if I did find myself in the situation where I was pregnant,I would keep it.And that in itself makes me feel like I've grown up a lot because a year or two ago I wouldn't have necessarily have been so sure.It feels a bit scary and also a bit daft to write this,because I know none of this will happen, for a very long time.I'm sure what I'm going through right now is a little spell most ladies do where all their girl friends are getting married and having children; envious.But I've always told myself I'd much rather have a bit of a rough plan before doing anything so life altering.I know a few of my friends never planned their children,but don't regret it of course.But it does make me wonder whether if they had,they would have waited a few more years first?
Ideally,I'd like to be in a job which is secure and I can have maternity leave and whatnot.So I know I have something to go back to if I need to.The thing is,I have no idea when this magical job will appear! I don't know why I feel the need to rush,but then again,I just feel like I'm ready to live an adult life.A couple of years ago my mum would probably have flown right off the handle at that last sentence,but now she feels differently,in fact,she's looking forward to it when the time comes.I'm not sure about dad though,he's very keen on me focusing on my 'career' if you can call it that.And right he is for thinking like that.
Heavy sigh.Ultimately I know that I don't really want to be going ahead and introducing another person into the world when I hardly have any savings,any real job stability and,most importantly,a partner who is fully committed to the idea.Because,he's not ready. We've spoken about this before,the 'what if' and how he'd react.He basically said that no,he's not ready now,he's not where he wants to be in his own career path and he feels like peoples lives stop when they have a child.But he would never say that if the time were to come,because he wouldn't want a baby to be brought into the world with the father not really wanting it.Again...it's fair enough.And when he said what he said last night,that he wondered if I'd be happier with someone else who wanted the same things as me...I wonder to.In fact,I wonder pretty much every day.But why? I think I'm happy where I am now.But I do think sometimes,what if I was with someone else,who had an established job,was self motivated and family orientated. I guess that,although J is close to his brothers,he makes hardly any effort to speak to his family.But maybe that has nothing to do with it.He recently has got a job,which is good news.He's not been there for long,but it's a good start and I feel that in a couple of weeks when he's used to the work load and getting up early,he'll feel a lot more happy.But he's career path of choice,although not impossible,is a little far fetched.And it will take him a long time to get there-although I have every belief he can make it,it's just not one of those things that can happen overnight.By then I fear it'll be too late.
When is the perfect time?
What am I on about?I should just drop it,and try and think about something else. I'm sure this is all just a crazy phase and soon I'll be caught up in something else.Still,it's what's on my mind though and I have to let it out some way...
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