The love pollutions setting in

Feeling a little blank today.And all these words won't flow,they'll be all over the place because that's just how it's going to be today.

I'm not sure why.But I had a moment to myself, thought about writing a blog entry but don't feel any overpowering emotion to write on and on about.I guess I just feel kinda numb.Or maybe I'm just getting used to the way things are, it's hard to tell.

I realise I put a lot of pressure on myself to be where other people appear to be.I know I'm not the only who does this,in fact I feel all contributing members of society feel this need to please other people before themselves;in selfless acts, appearances, career choices, lifestyle choices...the list goes on.And it's something that's battered into us from the very beginning - what other people think about you doesn't matter,but when you're out there in the real world,it's hard to ignore. People are all at different points in the spectrum. Just because I don't feel I hang where the majority of others are,doesn't mean I'm failing or falling behind.But I do feel like I'm missing out.

All these thoughts build up in me,it's quiet complex.I find it hard to get my head around it all sometimes,will this only get worse as I get older?I worry about the future and where I'm heading,am I really living life to it's fullest potential?Am I just settling for what seems to be the easiest path for me right now? Sometimes I think so and then other times what I'm doing right now feels kinda challenging.Mum tells me that I'm young and there's no rush,but I do feel old.

My brother is coming up to stay next week,which I'm really looking forward to.We get on so well,and we're back together I really feel myself and it's nice to be completely 'me' again.The people I live with now do make me feel like I can be myself,but sometimes I hang back or get bogged down.I feel a bit of a drag a lot of the time actually.The wave machines lyric has never felt so appropriate;

'Where's my punk spirit when I need it?'

I've decided to go on a fast for a few days,as best as I can anyway without causing suspicion. I've stressed my body out a lot lately and it's need of a cleanse. I'm the type of person who really needs every meal to maintain personality and performance of day to day activities,but I feel I get better and better every time I try.I just try and keep as busy as I can and drink lots...hopefully it'll help somehow.
Ah well.