Sexually explicit

Why is it that you can't let some of your past go.I know I may be contradicting myself, yesterday I said that I've left a lot of my youthful past behind me.But it seems that he always pops into my head at some point during the day,and it irritates me so much because I don't want him to,he still has that power! We haven't spoken in probably two years and I haven't actually seen his face in more than that...I wonder if seeing it would help.I doubt he ever wonders about me, he's tangled up in his own life these days and has probably forgotten all about what we had,not to mention he has a relationship of his own,I just need to stop thinking about the past.
And why do I,anyway?Do I really miss him as a person?No.He was horrible to me and we didn't even have a good relationship at all,we didn't connect and we just weren't on the same page at all.Most of what we talked about was him telling me how I should be and me apologizing for it.It was all in the make up sex.Maybe that's why we argued so much.
I'm concerned that it's my ever noisy brain that won't let me forget about the fantastic sexual relationships I've had in the past,it really is true what they say-guys can have sex and move onto the next one but with girls they seem to form a real emotional bond with their partner-in my case,whether I want to or not! It's funny how normally I wouldn't think of sex being very important,you can have great times without it and I do still believe that.But my memories tell me otherwise.Maybe that's why I want to go back to those old times where sex was just so exciting and fun! I was discovering so much about myself and the partner,what we could do together.I try to avoid being too graphic in my blog entries but I feel this entry might be a bit different.But in past partners of mine I could confide in them, maybe not so much my daily thoughts and views on religion and stand up comedy,but all my dirty little secrets with ease. I wasn't afraid to feel open with them.But something kinda changed along the way and things are different now in the relationship I'm in.I tell myself it's not important,but once we were both very sexually adventurous people but now we don't seem to be any more. It's the typical pattern and it's a bit boring to be honest.We have tried to talk about it,but he just gets embarrassed and thinks it's all his fault.When it's actually both of ours.But it's as if he's admitted defeat,he's not really all that bothered about trying new things and will just accept the pattern we have now saying 'sex will never be the same as it used to be,and that's fine.' I didn't say anything but really I thought 'no,it isn't fine.As soon as you realise a pattern of routine you need to stamp it out and do something new!' The sad thing is,that's really the only downfall I could say of our nearly 3 year relationship.It'll be our anniversary soon and I suggested that maybe we go splash out on a nice hotel for a couple of nights, just spend it with lots of nice wine and a night on the town, just fun, couply togetherness. He liked the idea, but really, I doubt it'll happen because he won't want to part with the money,which I agree, we don't have much of at the moment.But I used to love and still do love having things to look forward to,it seems to inject a bit of magic into our every day lives.

But I miss the hotel sex I've had before,what happens in the room stays in the room...safe of course, just simply good fun.I'd say harmless,but if I still think about it to this day maybe it isn't for me.But with all the harsh words and the awful moments,not forgetting all the tears! The sex will always be some of the most enjoyable moments of my life.I wonder if he feels the same...

But so what,does that mean I'd consider losing all I have now for someone (who's not even in my life right now,) who could give me great sex?
YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING.
A man who can be all the things I want,and I be all the things he wants,just doesn't exist.Previous relationships are 'previous' because they didn't work out because of sex alone! And right now I'm not looking to just have good times in that respect,I truly feel like I'm ready to settle down and have a family.Maybe it's that realization that's making me mourn the good times I had in the past I may never have again.I guess the thing to gather from all this, is that you just don't know what's going to happen.And I'm a person who trusts my gut instinct,and I'll know what to do when the time is right,whatever it may be.I don't even have to do anything right now,these are all just thoughts anyway.