Drifting towards the sidelines

Well, although I look back on the past a lot at least I can take comfort in the fact I have the memories. It would look pretentious to quote Shakespeare here, but at at least I have lost a lot of things to help learn a lot of things.

Why do my eyes still keep searching? What is it that I'm looking for, I just have it in my mind that I'll 'just know it' when I see it, why can't I see that in what I have now? Sometimes I do wonder if I'm in the right place.but what's my rush I keep asking myself, it's not like its now or never, is it? I wish I knew. I suppose it's something new to look forward to, I always used to have something but now it feels like these daily routines will stretch out for eternity with no telling where change may slot in. I guess that's the thing, be prepared for the unexpected but don't wait for it. Like so many things it seems that as soon as you stop yearning for something it comes along. I find myself envying my brother in a few ways, his youthfulness and exciting times ahead in Uni, flirting with girls and preparing for social outings I just feel like that old me has just disappeared, it's a million miles away and I don't want it to be. I am still young and exciting wanting to be taken on an adventure, I used to be such a socialite and so good at organising things, where did that go? I look at what I had then and what I have now and wonder if its all worth it. In my heart it is, I've gained something very special and important,but I do wonder sometimes whether it was all worth it.It's the little things that make the differences and well,there don't seem to be many little things any more. I'd do anything to have a little surprise (of the good kind,) even if it's just the washing up done.

I feel like my life used to have potential,now I feel myself drifting towards the sidelines. I suppose that's another reason why I feel I look back on things alot,because they were times I had things coming up in my life.Now,it's just all unclear and most of all,I'm just unsure. I can't wait for the day I find myself only looking forward instead of back,but I wonder if it will ever happen in the circumstances I'm currently in.
Thankfully,I do have a job,something to keep me busy.You just have to make the most of what you have,so I plan to do that for no more than a year,then try and achieve a better job position,or one that uses elements of my degree.Still doing the freelancing though.I moan about it being a tough a lot but I do believe it's one of the only things that keeps me sane.I need to have a real day of it tomorrow, so I can get lots printed for the following week.If I try and stay focused on all things work related,I hope to tire myself to the point of not looking back!
I know that droaning on about anything doesn't get you a step closer to where you want to be.If anything,it grinds you even further into the ground.But I have to get these thoughts and worries out somehow or I'd go completely mad.I also like to think that one day I'll look at this entry and posts like this in a much better situation and think 'well,I made it through' like I do when I look back on my rants about Uni.I made it through it all with a First, the toil was worth it.Maybe these daily toils are all just warm ups for something much better on the other side,who knows.
Ah well.Off to work I go.