The more I see the less I know...

Nothing bad has really happened in particular, but I've been feeling pretty low this week.It's just like everything I try to put my efforts to just fails me, and instead of trying to be positive I can't help but the count the hours I've wasted accomplishing absolutely nothing.Every time I look at the clock another hour has gone by and I look down at my page and it's still the same as it was the previous evening,it just goes on and on...I just feel like all my happiness is slowly draining as each day goes by and nothing exciting happens, I know every day can't have something going on and it's good to have some calm days to come down a bit,but it's always good to have something to look forward to and I haven't got a thing.The weeks are full working at this job I'm still getting to grips with, with a boss who is vague and kinda gruff with very high expectations without saying an awful lot, my weekends are working away on designs that never go successfully or are based on themes I even like.I hate 'commercialism.' Sure it sells, but it's fucking boring. It's good to vent,I need to vent.I guess I just need to tough it out and wait til I have a bit of money saved, as it seems everything is suddenly more accomplishable if you've got money to do something.Out of nowhere I have the urge to travel and see the world,I've never really wanted to venture to the US before but it would be fantastic now,it's like I just want to drop everything here and start all over again.But it's stupid because I've actually got something going.At least I'm lucky enough to have a job and still have the opportunity to do something creative, some people don't have either of those things let alone both,so what am I moaning about?Is this what happens when you have something worth holding onto, everything and anything else looks so appealing? It's a complete mess if so.Obviously,I won't go travelling,I won't be able to do that for a long while.And I will keep doing this because I don'r really think I've got any other options available to me.But I miss home,I miss having friends I can talk to about stupid stuff and deep stuff, I miss having my own space and miss sitting by the sea, even in the rain and the cold, probably more than in the sun.I just wish something would happen to make me feel a bit more happy, or give me a bit more inspiration or direction,but I'm not sure where I'll find it.It's only been two or three months and already I feel in a rut.I don't mean any offence to Joe,but it's hard when he's not particularly career driven, or money driven for that matter.It's nice in many ways because it means he appreciates money when he has it and he never takes things for granted.But it does mean he doesn't want to do much.He also doesn't seem to think about similar things I do, like a family and getting our own place.Sure,it's a big deal,but it's just thoughts it doesn't have to happen for a while but it's nice to think that you're with someone who's on the same page.Last month,we kinda had a heated discussion about marriage; he thought it was pointless, it's only benefit was to get financial gain (somehow?), and I on the other hand find it a romantic gesture that they are both willing to commit to each other for the rest of their lives,for better or for worse.I don't really know where I get the traditional view from,maybe it is those around me who seem to be happily settling for the family lifestyle but it's not like my family are anything to go by really.But at least they're both happy now and with lovely partners. It's just the meaning more than anything,it's not the planning,the dress or the honeymoon that do it for me really.I guess I have been thinking more about babies,obviously not now,but in the next couple of years maybe.I feel I'm ready for it.Not at all financially and of course I'd plan,but as the days go by it grows on me.I mean,nothing could be more satisfying and rewarding than bringing your own little life into the world...anyway,I'm getting way ahead of myself.And i've a lot I need to sort out in my head before I can be thinking about anything as massive as that last statement was!I mean crickey what am I on about?I wouldn't have any free time or personal space,would be tired and stressed all the time-probably have no jobs,drive me crazy.But I think ultimately,in the long run,it would amazing.And something I'm certainly considering.Hmmmm.I should sleep.I'm going to London with only 1 design and I am nervous or how they'll react.I hope they'll pay me soon,that will certainly lift my spirits.Fingers crossed on all thoughts,I just want to get it done and out of the way so I can tackle my next task.I hope things will brighten up soon,I hope things start looking up.