'I've never seen a smile that could light the room like yours,it's simply radiant I feel more with everyday that goes by...'

Sometimes,what appears to be the right thing is actually anything but. I realise now that this is what life is all about,or more specifically; a grown up variety with responsibilities,ambitions,concerns,pressures and disappointments.I get a bit irritated at myself for bewildering myself,always pondering on potential situations and wondering what I really want.It's frustrating because I feel my mind changes so much.But then,this is an uncertain time of my life.It's very hard to know what lies in the future for me,and knowing that effects my outlook on things greatly. Specifically,my relationship.That is however no surprise as it's the most consistent in my thoughts and worries.One day I think to myself that I'm happy and I could picture an even happier life ahead in the same place I am now...but then other times I'll look around and see so many opportunities and temptations,I want to change everything and start all over.It really is in the balance,I don't know what's best for me right now.And,I'm not sure if I trust myself anymore.The things I've done in the past,do they really prove that I am happy?Am I really looking for an escape?Oh,it's all the overpowering fear of the unknown. But then,if you don't fight it and push forward,you'll never know what rewards could be out there,if you don't live a little on the edge,there's so much you will deny yourself from experiencing.And you do only live once,well,in this body anyway. I met up with an old friend the other day,I wasn't really too sure what to expect but it was nice to do something new and get to know him again.He did however make me feel a lil uncomfortable and I left fairly early after plans for dancing long into the night and crashing at his were on the cards,I felt it wasn't the wisest thing to do.But it made me realise a lot of things.It made me realise how much I have changed.I'm not if it's the good or bad kind,I fear it's the sort that people I used to know would turn their noses up at me,and feel I wouldn't have the time anymore.But really I do!I love the idea of seeing old friends again,although in truth everyone has gone different ways and are living different lives.I should be to,I shouldn't be dwelling on the past. Ah,how things change and move on so quickly. M texted me saying how much he'd missed me and contacting me,and said he wanted to go back to how we were before.I replied and said that I missed him to,because in many ways I do,but I know that's only because I've not actually seen him for ages,and the reality of our situation is a mere haze and I have a fantasy version in my mind.-its that fantasy I miss!And didn't pull him up on wanting to return to our old ways,I don't need that all again.Plus it's probably just because he wants a lover and a friend who will listen.I can see straight through him.It did make me smile though,I always have been rather surprised that he liked me,due to his past and experience with a variety of other women.So it was rather flattering.But the feelings I used to feel about me and Joe are returning once more,my love for him hasn't wavered,but my desire has a little.I'm not sure how best to fix it,they say communication is key but it's hard to approach carefully without offending.Maybe I should just go for it,not hold back...who knows who knows...