'The taste of ink is getting old'

Today,I finally did it.I did the right thing.I broke away from M and I can honestly say I feel it's the best thing I have done in a very,very long while. On friday evening I came back home especially to spend a good deal of time with him.Before he left,we shared some great, intermate moments but all the while I was wondering whether it was because I kept telling myself that it would be the end.But he wanted to hang on to me,so he had some sort of comfort whilst going through such drastic change,and I appreciated that.I was glad I could have extended my use outside of a sexual nature and be some sort of support for him.However since he's been out of sight,he has been out of mind and me and Joe have been doing really well.But fairly soon after his departure,I bought tickets regardless.So,on the day,packed up my things and got myself geared up for seeing him...I felt nothing.I didn't feel the least bit excited and to be honest,I was trying to think of ways to get out of it.I waited for an hour at the station to hear from him,finally he called although I had a much better conversation with his work colleague,who directed me to where we'd eventually meet.I found he always did this,spring things upon me last minuet and expect me to be able to adapt so suddenly to a situation entirely new to me;a friend of his to accompany us on a few drinks,where I sat,bored,listening to them talk competitively about work,money,how much the bosses car was worth and who was getting fired next-suddenly,the age gap that was once not a problem,felt very much apparent.I continued to sit and pretend that I understood a bit of what they were talking about,I saw them sneer and roll eyes a happy group of guys playing pool quiet noisily,and I felt I really was sitting at the wrong place.I have never been entirely convinced that he really likes me; I know he enjoys my company and likes to talk at me,finds me attractive,but as a people we really don't share a connection of hardly any sort.I sat there in wonderment as he was generally offensive about everything,how arrogant he suddenly appeared and how much he was faking it in attempt to look better,as attractive as he may be,his intentions and outlook on life are pretty ugly.Soon his friend left,which actually saddened me as he was taking up time and attention.When I'm with M,and we're in a place that doesn't condone scenes of a sexual nature,he always wants to talk about 'us',my feelings for him,his accusations,his digs at how I am,how he loves confrontation,how I dress like a child...it was sounding all too familiar.Ben.And as we sat in a poor quality restaurant I felt so ashamed and embarrassed as he shouted swearwords as greasy steak juices dripped from his mouth,his eyes never meeting mine but the arse of some scantily dressed tart-I knew right there and then I had been trapped in some sort of rose tinted vacume.I needed to get the hell out of there.As we sat in the sun,I decided to draw as we sat and looked at the sky in silence-not out of thought or appreciation,but of boredom and awkwardness.I felt comfortable among the pages of my drawings and wanted to share with him a little of what I do as he never seems to ask.He did nothing.Nothing spread across his face,not even a smile,a blank expressionless shrug and not a word.'I don't know what to say about it,I don't understand it.I'm not going to be nice to be polite.' It was Ben all over again, materialistic,selfish and ignorant.The exact person I don't want to be associated with.And with that,I got my belongs and I left.Although I knew it was all one massive mistake,I was so proud of myself that I spoke out loud how I really felt,and actually left him.It wasn't an unpleasant departure like I was expecting,we both agreed we had shared some good times and it was never really going to work out.As I walked away the sun shone down on me like a blanket,like loved ones above were congratulating me on finally doing the right thing.It made me realise how special my relationship with Joe is,and how he means more to me than anything in the world.How,although he has his flaws,he'll always try,he'll always be there for me and believe in me.We will always share the same moments and laugh at the same jokes and eat the same foods and want the same things out of life.If felt amazing.To feel all those old thoughts and emotions once hidden away. I know if I pass a smartly dressed business man in a grey suit who looks a lil like Johnny depp I know I'm likely to think of M and how he told me he loved me and how he chased me down the street with strawberries.He'll make somebody happy one day,when he realises what his priorities are and has been knocked down a peg or two.It just won't be me.I do feel however that I have made a difference to his life,if only a little but at least I know I'm one that held his attention,made him feel things he'd never fe;t before...if I can take anything away from all this at least I know now what my priorities are.