It seems that as one door closes,another closes as well...

God,I bet to someone trying to emotionally asses me,I must me absolutely all over the show. In normal form,coming home enables me to view things from the outside, realize and attempt to correct my mistakes and give me a bit of grounding which I tend to lose when left to my own devices.I feel now that i've cut my strings with others who were weighing me down,were driving me to do things I shouldn't and generally adding more stress to an already stress enduced time of year,I feel I can see things more clearly.I decided I wanted to give my real relationship a proper go around.Because when I close my eyes,he's the one in the picture with me,he's the one I see in our pokey little kitchen in our cramped little flat just starting out,I want to know that it's not all a delusion. Of course,I soon as I bring up the idea I realize that it very much is.I know the most guys take a hell of a lot persuasion to come around to the idea of commitment,but,if we've got a foundation of over two years,is it really that daft an idea? Without being too detailed,I do tell my parents some of what i've been through and some of the people I have met and have been tempted by.It's strange really how much me and my mother have in common.But without any encouragement at all,she suggested that Joe move down here.So we can get own flat to look for jobs in the big city.It was such a nice idea,I got so excited and wondered why I hadn't thought of it before!I guess it's because I'd assume he wouldn't be up for the idea,but when I thought about it,I couldn't see why not.He's not terribly close to his parents and they don't put any pressure on him to stay,they let him be free to do what he wants.Additionally,his house is so small there isn't really anywhere for him to move in to.His friends are all down this way to,and so are the jobs he's interested in.Plus,being with me,he's likely to be more motivated as I will be to.But did he see these points?no.He wants to go and film his film with his mates,he doesn't want to get a job whilst looking for another,he doesn't like the idea.Oh,the dissapointment.Why am I surprised?I knew it all along.But what the hell are we doing!?What are we working towards,why are we even still together!?I know he's expecting us to move to our homes,and,whilst he's faffing around having a great time getting drunk and filming and film with his friends,he'll expect me to come up and visit him in any of the free time that I have after probably slaving away all week for hardly any money-because that what I did before.And what he doesn't know,is that I wasn't satisfied with that situation,and if he thinks it's happening again,he's got another thing coming. So what is this?A dead end?If I lay it on the line to him we'll just realize that we probably shouldn't be together because he's not bold enough to show he's willing,it's all I ask for.But I'm going to have to,why should we not say and just bumble along knowingly? :[ I don't know.