Circassian

I've spent a lot of the past week pent up with a fair bit of stress.I've come home for a flying mothers day related visit,and getting away from it all makes me realize how daft the idea of being stressed is!I spend such a lot of my day working myself into a bit of a state about such menial things,things that every other normal human being manages to get through unscathed,why do I put myself through it unnecessarily?I guess it's because I care,but possibly a little too much.I handed in my notice at work,which has already made me feel a bit better from the Uni side of things,especially it being my last term now of a 4 year grind,I think I owe it to myself to prioritize my time purely to my last project.I really hope it goes well,I'd be so disappointed in myself if I ran out of time or did a stupid mistake,I feel a lot could be resting on the final show.I'm going to try as much as I can.Coming home always reminds me of how I used to enjoy working and projects and the like,being surrounded by the old me kinda brings back that olde spark once lost.I hope to see my old teacher next week for a bit of inspiration,I know she enjoys my work.I don't think the tutors at Uni do,I think they fear it's a bit too arty.But she's always honest and encouraging.I know I have potential to do some great things,but sometimes I get a bit lost along the way.And,I get bogged down in all these problems,all these people hanging off me like loose threads...and I realize;it's all a choice.Sure,these people crop up and test me,but they don't force themselves into my life,I offer them in with an extended hand.I don't know why I didn't see it before. Things are slowly getting better in that respect,I decided to cut Chris from my life because we weren't really anything without the sins we committed.It was an interesting and fun experience,but he was holding out for more and now I know that's not what I want.Maybe one day we'll be friends,but right now it's all about my final term and incorporating him into it to could be damaging to us both.M has moved away now,and although at times I do miss him,I realize I'm much happier without his temptations.As people,we don't blend well and he doesn't really know me and appreciate me as the real person I am,only as a sexual object who listens to his problems.And although that was okay a while ago,now I've kinda awoken from that drunken haze that I seemed to be clouded by,and actually see a bit more respect for myself to.I know it was all wrong and in bad circumstances,but without that it would be the same,in fact worse.He would have so much more power over me.He reminds me a lot of Ben actually,and although I look back on memories of passion,they're are often interrupted by memories of bitter arguments, accusations and bullying.He changed me so much and I really didn't like him for it,M would be just the same and I don't want that again.I want someone who wants a future with me,who doesn't want to change me and someone who understands me!Not someone who'll just settle for me and feel they can mold me into an outline of someone they fantasize about.I need to tell him outright,but I'm a little afraid.I don't want to offend him!Typing that out makes me see clearly where a lot of my mistakes lie,where I go wrong; 'Toxic politeness' my dad might suggest.I'm always so afraid of making someone unhappy or letting them down,I don't say no when I should,and it gets me into awkward positions which makes me do out of character things.I never have done or would do anything I have out of spite or to be horrible.I seem to do these things because I want to make everyone happy.But it's times of clarity I realize that's an impossible idea!And truly nieve of me to feel it could be attempted.There is never a day that goes by where my heart doesn't sink at the memory of all the wrong that I have done in the past year,I will never forgive myself.I carry it around on my shoulders every day and I know that's the punishment I deserve.I can never do it again,I will not.I need to be stronger.Things are going to change dramatically this year,but for the best.I'm going to work in London,I'm going to get a place there and I'm going to make some amazing life long friends and I'm going to try hard to make myself proud...