'Now you're just somebody that I used to know'

I pick up my phone and stare at it longing for something to come up on screen,to entice me,excite me.But there is rarely anything of the sort.I have fallen into the 'feel sorry for self' zone which is far from attractive I know,but it's so hard not to when so much is uncertain. What am I doing,and what the hell is going to happen?I should be trying to enjoy the rest of my time at Uni,but I must be honest,I can't wait for it to be over-I dread going back to my place,which isn't really my place at all,it's just where my stuff is right now.I want to do well on my course,but it's just taken so long now,with air-headed people who are so draining,I just want to be start afresh.I've lost count to how many times I've used said that as of late.But when I come home,I realize how much of me is missing when I'm there.I hardly laugh at all,and if I do it's genuine and i'm with Joe or at work,otherwise it's nervous or pretend. Ah,that is one thing I am sure of with me and Joe.He really shares my humor.And to me,that really is such an important thing to be able to share together.Without laughter,a relationship (to me) doesn't have a great deal of substance.I guess it's replaced for lust and desire,which,is equally important.But which stands the test of time...hmmm.I miss that feeling of lust,which is why I succumb to it when it overtakes me.I can see where the cracks in my maturity show;the inability to hold back from such feelings,which lead to sin.I'm not a heavily religious person,but if I was,I'd certainly be going to hell I'm sure of it.That was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind when I realized that I'd done something very wrong indeed.I try not to dwell,but there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about it,punish myself over it.I probably always will. Oh dear. Everybody around me seems to be pregnant,or starting a family and I envy them so much.It seems to be the people who didn't go to Uni,found themselves jobs and got comfortable with their respective partners and basically got all settled down.I truly want to give a job in London all i've got,and I seriously will put everything into getting myself there-I have to.But if I found out that I was expecting a baby tomorrow,I don't think i'd hesitate in deciding to go through with it,eventhough it would be one of the most frightening experiences of my life!I'm not sure how we'd do it,but i'm sure we'd find away to deal with it.Although he can be lazy,I know he'd do anything for me.I know he'd rise to the challenge of being a dad.I know i'm ready for it now,a few years ago I probably wouldn't have thought I would be.Plus I think i'd have more support from my family now,whereas before I felt I'd be letting everyone down. But with all of that in mind,I want to give my career a good go before I start planning a family!Who knows,it may not even happen :( you can never be sure whats going to happen.I fall into fantasy daydreams,where I'm living the London life,going to work,enjoying my job,having a nice solid group of friends,falling into the arms of a guy with the biggest smile on his face,who takes care of me...Somebody on the same wavelength as me.I wonder... When I was younger,I used to wonder if there was a guy out there thinking about someone like me.And hoping that he'll find me one day,that maybe,he's in a similar situation to me right now.Who knows!It's a bit of a childish,silly image,but one I hope is true...