"But that was love and it's an ache I still remember...You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, Like resignation to the end, always the end...'

It's been a long time since I last updated,it always seems that way when I come to this.It always seems like i've a a huge amount to unload when thinking about current thoughts as feelings,as usual.It's been another crazy couple of months. I've just got my mind focused on the bigger picture now.I can't seem to figure anything out at the moment,but one thing I can be rely on as being a strong beacon of hope,it will be the future.It always used to be something that excited me a few years ago,but now i'm at that point I used to look forward to (and indeed was my future at the time,) it's more scary than ever before.Options are wide open,there are so many potential paths to take.But it means I can get away,there is an end in sight to my current living situation,my degree,work at the restaurant,escape from mistakes I've made...it's a chance to start again and meet new people.I know they're out there,I know there's so much waiting for me.London is the place where I want to be,it's where I will be. It's been a turbulent week.I do believe in Karma,and I think it's been dishing me out a fair bit of what I deserve.M from work went for a job I encouraged him to go for,and he went and got it!It's great news for him,he's a hard worker and he deserves it.But it's in the town where I live!the coincidence is unbelievable.I wondered if it's some sort of bizarre sign,but no,we could never be!It's interesting that he's going to be here when I move back.Not waiting,of course,he'll for sure find somebody to share good times with,but knowing he's nearby is actually quiet nice.There are feelings there for him,but then he's just another of these individuals I meet who want to change me somehow.And although it's strangely flattering they feel I have potential to be 'better'...I've finally found a little bit of strength in me to be happy with who I am,and I don't want to change.Those people are looking for somebody who i'm not,and there trying to change and manipulate me into being closer to what they want,isn't going to make either of us any more satisfied or happy-I realise that now.I have plenty to give,the way that I am.And I know it won't be too long until I find people who respect that,and grow to love it.Hopefully! I've a lot of mistakes to patch up.Lots of problems that need dealing with head on,questions that need to be asked and truths that need to be spoken,I've just got to tackle each of these things one at a time. I've pretty much moved out of my house,as I was so unhappy there,and I only noticed the extent of it when I get away,be it at work,Joes or home (where I am now.) As horrible as it sounds,I don't enjoy their company at all,they are simply not my sort of people,we don't share the same interests,humor,outlook on life and pretending that I did drove me mad.I don't mind if they take offence,I don't want to see them again after Uni as they're not nice people.And making this decision has in a strange way made me hold my head a little bit higher.Being in that environment drove me towards actions I regret now;i'm not blaming them,but I certainly think it didn't help.I wanted anything that reached out to me as a form of escape.I hope it won't come to any unpleasant head,I just want to blend in and phase out politely. I've had a few scares this month,I've been putting my body through a lot of hormonal stress caused by some serious unfortunateness,a few times in a row!I hope i've done the right thing.I'm practically living with Joe and it's been really good.I like working with him and cooking together,it's fun and most importantly,it's comfortable,it's home.We haven't talked much as to whether it's something we'll do after uni,well,actually it seems like it's less likely to happen due to money matters. Writing that out is actually rather upsetting.We have our problems here and there,but he does make me happy and I am so lucky to have him.I don't think I'll ever find anybody like him.I don't know what I want.I don't know what's the best thing to do when the situation arises.I want to try,but I also need to try harder on my future career which is limited to here,and he is limited due to finances.It's hard to know what's going to happen. :( He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.I don't think anybody has ever said that to me before...