why do you invade my thoughts...

It's time like these you look back and reflect upon old times,and how much has changed in time gone by.I wish I didn't feel so old and grown up now,filled with a few,dare I say,regrets.I used to be such a different person only a year ago,so much was going on this time last year.I had just finished my placement in London,a stressful but overall worthwhile ordeal.I couldn't wait for Christmas back then,because I had so much potential ahead of me.Ah,how disappointed I was.And how those disappointments lead to me doing disappointing actions...I don't think there's a day that goes by where I don't think of it at some point,and that stab in my heart of guilt that I carry with me wherever I go.Of course,I deserve it.I've learnt a great deal in the process and yet don't feel i've grown stronger in anyway.In fact,the complete opposite.So weak to crave my desires. This year,Christmas is bitter-sweet.I'm sure i'm not the only one pondering this,as it's a mixed feeling event for many who have to endure it.I always look forward to it so much,but my family don't really 'do it' like I imagine.Which is stupid really,because every year there's always some family related argument,a skeleton that falls from the closet,usually some tears...why should it be any different this year!But it's nice to be home again,and it's nice to see old friends,reminding me that true friendship exists.That I can laugh and let myself go.Being at home is so refreshing (and irritating!) but gives me the chance to escape everything,and,above all,get well.I realize how badly i've been treating myself since returning and it's pretty shameful. That being said though,I am kinda looking forward to returning.But mainly from an independence point of view.And that there's so much more I can be doing up north,i'm not that good at doing nothing.- and now is my only time allowable,I want to make the most of it! So i'm left with a lot of my terrible thoughts,oh dear.This time last year,I spent most of my time pining for Joe,texting him,calling him,arranging to see him.This time around,I haven't done any of those things as much.I'm sure it's guilt and sadness that pull me away from him,as if he's going to guess what a horrible person I am (and so he should,) I know when i'm apart from him it's worse than when i'm with him. We get on so well,he makes me laugh and makes me so happy,I forget how upset and alone I really am.But when apart,I do nothing but encourage these emotions.Which is ridiculous. But what's worse,is that I am missing the attention of someone I shouldn't :( I wish I could get him off my mind,but oh,how he's invading it.He's not spoken to me since i've come home,and I know why-he doesn't care about me at all!Only if I'm accessible to him he will make the effort to talk to me.Why don't I take that as I sign that he's a complete fool.I know he is,I don't want to be with him...so why am I risking it all for someone I don't want it all with?I confuse myself. Ah god,I can't carry on typing this while my parents are talking to me about books.Hopefully i'll be able to update later,I dearly need to.