In a world of black and white,you are the only one in colour...

I Just wish I knew. I wish I paid more attention to sit and listen to myself,to think of the consequences and realise my responsibilities,instead of panicking about with serious regret way to late.Who am I?And what the hell have I become lately? I am so weak,I've never hit this low before,and yet I mask it so well to everyone around me that I even start to convince myself that i'm dealing with it all so well that my problems will never catch up with me...but they always do.Icolated,alone,nobody to talk to because I can't,although even if I could,nobody would care to listen.I have no right to feel so sorry for myself right now,and yet I know if I don't concentrate on these awful thoughts spinning around my mind I won't do any work and I'll make even more terrible mistakes.Last week,I failed again.I found him charming and attractive and although arrogant,mature.I knew what he wanted and I gave him the same impression...and last night in the most awkward of circumstances,I told him it was and always will be a one time thing,and a mistake I made as i'm currently going through a rough patch.He didn't take it well.But why should he?I'm worried it'll interfere with work and he'll make it awkward for me,maybe even tell everyone,but then,if he does I'll deserve it.I've been tempted to write a notice,I don't need the money that badly.But then,I will do without it.And I do love the job.OH,why do I get myself into these situations?And give in to temptation?Nothing good ever comes from it. On top of all that,my house-mates,or 'friends' (although it doesn't sound right calling them that,) keep advising me to end it with Joe.I sit with them for ages listening to their reasons,and of course they're right.Not for their own reasons,but all the awful things that I have done,he doesn't deserve me,he's the most wonderful person I think I've ever met.But I'm so afraid of losing him,he makes me laugh so much,I'm happy when I'm with him,there's just a spark missing that we had a year ago.But the spark of humour and conversation hasn't...he's my home,my rock.When I want to get away,without thinking,I think of him as my escape.But it shouldn't be the main reason why we should be together.This has been going on for a while,and I know it'll only be a matter of time before one of them tells him something and it all flares up.I want to talk to him about it,but I know it'll end up with us ending,and i'm not entirely sure that's what I want.Especially at this wonderfully festive time of year,maybe it's the work,the stress, being apart from family and friends,feeling sad that are wearing away my lust for Joe,it's not his fault.I don't know whether to hit this head on or talk to him about how i'm feeling...the thing is I have no idea where i'd start.I'm such a mess.I'm such an awful person.I'm afraid.