how you consume me so comfortably

Soon,it will be a brand new year.I'm sure i'm not alone in feeling slightly relieved at this occurrence.I can't wait to start again. My god.I used to know myself so well,what on earth went wrong?At what point did I become this awful person?Who felt she could just glide on through each day,thinking she could hide behind a false face,living two lives with two different personalities?I don't understand where it all went wrong.Can I fix this?Is it too late?I'm just so,utterly disappointed in myself,that I've let myself give in to temptations I didn't even know appealed to me,on more than one occasion.Why can't I face all of this and be honest? I will try my hardest to explain this to you,although I hope I never have to be so brutal with the facts in real life.Just know that I think you're possibly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me,and I love you so much.That I never meant to risk it all for such stupid,selfish reasons.I shouldn't have been so afraid to tell you how I really felt at the times where you upset me,or I didn't feel you were doing enough.Because I know you're flaws,I know you find it difficult to communicate difficult topics of conversation,why didn't I try and make it easy for you?The truth is,I'm sacred what the future holds for us,I don't know what I want to happen anymore.Once I told myself to not put anyone in front of a potential career,it was meant to be the most important thing to me.But when I met you,you saved me from such a terrible relationship,a man who was a manipulative bully,who had wore me away so much i'd forgotten what it was like to laugh...you saved me and helped me become the person I used to love.I wanted my future to be with you.I was never sure if you wanted the same with me,but oh how you consumed me so comfortably.But then stress happened,too much work effected my life,my health,my emotions...driving me to do horrible,out of character things.It can never excuse the wrongs I have made,but it is the only reason I can think of that explains my reasons for being so awful.I will never forgive, I will never forget.And I know you deserve so much better than me,I can never tell you that.But you do.You deserve someone who will respect you and be honest with you,and I thought I was that person.I want to disappear from this life so you can get on with your own.But I love you so much,I can't imagine you not being a part of my life...I want to fix this,fix us,but I need to build the strength to be honest with you and tell you that i've made mistakes and pray that you'll forgive me...I will never do this again.