spellbinding out of control...

I've no idea why I do half the stupid stuff that I do.Why on earth risk something so brilliant,so amazing for an evening of lust and greed?With every piece of me I know it's wrong,and yet somehow I'm still stupid enough to go along with it. I can't ever do it again,and I don't want to.Not without hitting the obvious problem head on first.I'm gaining nothing this way,but a messed up mind and screwed up body.I really need to collect up all these thoughts and figure out what I need to do,because it's probably the most ridiculous thing that i've ever done.I don't want to look back at these times and feel how i'm feeling right now,I need to push past this. I went home this weekend.It was just wonderful to get back to comfortable surroundings again and be apart of the family again.It felt like it had been many many months,when in reality it's only been two and a bit.It's probably the hardest time i've had to endure since being here,and it hasn't always been plain sailing.I guess it all adds up after a while of being in a place you don't like,with people you don't much care for and don't much care for you,either.I guess that's why I stray,try and get away and become someone else for a while.It's definitely not a good enough excuse,but it's the only one I can think that explains the stupidity.The first time i've felt so low and down,the first time i've done the things I have done as a way of escaping. I've been trying to throw myself into my work,but it's hard to concentrate.I'm trying to focus on just getting on with it,out of the way.Because travelling back home again made me realise how much I belonged there.Even though London is busy,smelly and stressful,it was still such a welcoming sight.And being on the tubes, reading the newspapers,just blending into that familiar way of life,blending into the scene made me realise how much I wanted to be back there again.I will try so hard,with all my bloomin might to get a job there after I graduate.Then an apartment.I'm not going to let anything hold me back.Nothing. That is what I want.And that is all I know,right now.Otherwise,i've no idea.I look around at peoples faces walking past mine and i'm not sure how I should feel,it's so confusing.Maybe i'm changing,maybe something in me isn't me anymore...