'A milestone around my neck,be my breath,there's nothing I wouldn't give...'

I hate this house.I can't be bothered to try any more. To start off with,I wanted to be a part of what they all were but now I see straight through them for what they really are.I knew this was going to happen,and I knew I was going to feel this way a lot of the time.They are selfish,care only for themselves.They are competitive,greedy for attention,they are obsessed by appearances and judge others of their own...they aren't genuine.To be live and be around that,is awful,I can't stand it and above all,I don't understand it.But people are like this everywhere,this is what most of the country is made up of.I just want to get away from it but I can't,and I have to face it every single day.It grinds me down,wears me out.I just can't wait for Uni to be over with. I wish I could be better at telling people how I feel,and not be afraid of the consequences.Like with the idiots downstairs,I wish I could tell them that they upset me,but I don't know what good it would do.I'm afraid of being shunned.How stupid is that,am I living in a house of children?No!but they play stupid childlike games. Yesterday I thought I felt comfortable and thought I was starting to feel things again,now I'm starting to feel the feeling of dawning realisation-how shit this place is.At least when I was numb I could shut it all out,paint on a smile and pretend that I was a part of it all.But now,when I look at myself and see someone sad and worn out.I always feel cold.It feels like it's been ages since I last laughed,genuinely.Nervous laughter is on the rise,but my real personality is kinda sheltered...how lame this all sounds.I'm in a low phase.I should just absorb myself in my work,but when i'm down I don't feel inspired.I don't want to be up North anymore,I want to go back home.I don't want to be this person anymore,I want to start again.