'Life is a test and I get bad marked,now some saint got the job of writing down my sins,the storm is coming, the storm is coming in...'

I'm so confused by all of this. My feelings are so mixed up,and I just can't get around the fear that i'm right back here,to that blessed square one again where I was once trapped before.The only real comfort I can have at all right now,is knowing that at some point a change occurred which pushed me forward out of this phase.So here's hoping that a change of the good kind is on it's way.I can't help but wonder if I'm the one that should motivate this change,or whether I need to be patient and wait it out.I fear I could be waiting a long while. It's so hard to make a decision when you're not sure you're in the right frame of mind.I've already made silly mistakes and carry many regrets and much guilt on my shoulders to remind me that maybe waiting isn't such a bad idea.But it's this same routine,it's that feeling of 'safety' (if you can call it that,) a feeling you've just grown used to feeling and accepting.I'm just not sure.The thing is,I know that right now,anybody who would be willing to spend a little bit of time and attention with me,I'd find myself developing feelings for them instantly.I realise how little time I interact with the male gender these days,and my god,I miss it. He is all I have and parting ways would cut me off to so much I've learnt to rely on in the past two years.He's who I call when i've nobody to turn to,he's the one I text when I have a spare moment,he's the one that it's in the photos on my walls...he used to be everything to me,used to bring me such tingles that I couldn't deny. Last night I had an awful realisation, that made me cry at the most inconvenient time,but a release that needed to happen all the same.For a while I pondered how something in us has changed,he's not putting in the effort anymore,we're too comfortable etc.And yet,when I really concentrate and think about it I realise...I'm the one who has changed.And oh,the absolute fear that came over me,the sadness,the stupidity that i've only now noticed this quiet obvious fact.But I mustn't feel that way,as this is what happens in life,isn't it? That you grow up as you learn new things and experience new things, and eventually grow apart.It's hard though,as when we're together it doesn't feel like we've changed in our personalities,it's just in other aspects things are different.But I think now I know what i've got pictured in my plans after uni,i've almost made up my mind about the picture of ours.And that in turn,has made me without realising,drift away.This is why I should just knuckle down and get on with Uni and not bother about relationships of any kind as there isn't a lot of time left for me here.I like knowing that!Too much.But it could explain why i'm feeling this way stronger and more frequently than before. I wish I had to strength in me to say something,anything.But once it's said,it's done,and it can't be un-heard.He hasn't changed,and as far as he's aware,everything is fine.It's be such a groundbreaking shock to him,i've no idea how he'll react.Especially at this stage in his course,to.I know it's important to be selfish at times like this,and there is no right time to approach these matters,but I can't help it.I don't want to lose him,or hurt him.I just don't know what I can do.But people have advised that talking about it is the fairest and most rational thing to do in this situation.I can't wait for him to ask,because he won't. And I don't want to keep this bottled up anymore,I won't move forward and past these unpleasant feelings.I can't keep holding on when i'm not sure what i'm holding on for...