'I used to be such a burning example,I used to be so original...'

In the end I surprised myself,with the benefit of foresight. Before,when I made stupid mistakes,I was confused in my thoughts and feelings,felt lost for direction and alone.And although it is no real excuse for what happened,it still gives me a little explanation of why I let it happen.Now,I know full well what I'm doing and what the consequences of my actions are and,I just can't go in knowing what could happen-that would be inexcusable and damn right wrong and disrespectful to everyone involved. I realise I may never see him again.And although I feel upset by that,in my heart,I know it's the right thing to do.For him,to.Why on earth should he make time for me in his busy schedule for a girl who's taken,at uni and moving away when it's over?He's a guy who's in it for the long hall,who wants to settle down,and already has everything he needs around him.We also don't connect well enough in our interests and personalities to risk everything I have now for him.Uni is my main priority at this moment of my life,and the next relationship I have,I want to be fresh,clean and new.One away from here.This decision is also the best for me,to.The more time I spend with him,the less I do work,see my friends,talk to family,and see Joe,who right now,I need to spend the most time with.I need to sort out whatever's going on with me and Joe before getting involved with anything else,so everybody is in the know and I try and keep a clear head.Because I can't handle the guilt,the lies,the secrecy.I don't want to live that way anymore.There is just...too much at stake right now. So instead I texted him at the last minuet,said I had to work,and went to Joes to meet his brother and friends and we went to a field to watch the fireworks around the town.It was lovely.Firework night for me is a time I spend with those I love and make wishes as the colour bursts in the sky,and wonder about what the future holds.If i'd met up with C and his friends,I would have got too drunk,made a fool of myself,done something I shouldn't have,wake up the next way feeling awful in every possible way,to leave and wonder what the hell I was doing with my life.-I don't need that right now,however fun it would have been at the time.It leads him on,leads his friends on to,who i've already met before.They're really nice people,but of course they judge me,and why the hell wouldn't they? No,I need to move on from this mess now.To not succumb to my desires,to not mess others around,to not avoid the truth anymore.When the moment is right,I will tell Joe what's going on in my mind and ask him the questions I want him to answer.I need to give him a chance to know what's happening with me,give him the chance to maybe sort things or at least,have his say in it all-he could even be on the same page as me.At least least,soften the blow if a blow comes around. I want to this evening,but I need to be home.My friend texted me this morning saying she was upset with me,because i've basically been distant lately and not spending enough time with her.In many ways she's hit the nail on the head and I don't care,she has no idea what's happening with me and she doesn't ask,so I don't give a damn,and yet I care about her very much and i'm disappointed in myself that I let her down.Just an evening of listening to what were inevitable problems.In turn,she wants to know what makes me upset,and although this is a golden oppertunity to speak up about how I really feel,I just can't do it to her,it would be just too much. Ah.Now for work.To switch off,and get away from here.I feel so tired,so emotionally drained.I hope this all passes soon and I get things sorted out.