'Cuz my bright is too sly to hold back all my dark...'

What i'm about to say,or indeed ever say will make anything I have done,right. I will punish myself with guilt and shame every single time I look at myself in the mirror,I won't be able to re-kindle the once innocent and niaeve person I used to be,this is me now.And unfortunately,I can't change what has happened.Saying that though,I can't change what moments occurred that made me feel the way I did before,and I what I can do is accept that I really messed up and accept that if ever I feel this way again,I will be confident in knowing what not to do.I know where things have always gone wrong,the cracks begin to show with enough foresight for me to attempt to make a change.I've nothing to lose by trying,so I need to generate the courage to face these matters as they are now. Once upon a time,I always found confidence in my own thoughts,and my ability to be rational and assess whatever situations,good or bad,in an emotionally mature,stable way.I'm not sure where it all started to fray,but I desperately need to get back to that stage,that place where I can trust myself. And already,on reading back this very journal,I can see what I don't do so much these days.Being honest.With everyone around me,but more importantly,myself.I bottle so many valuable thoughts,feelings and ideas up every single day,I've become this shell of a person who just absorbs everything i'm afraid to speak of.I've appeared to have surrounded myself with individuals who I fear being open with.But then,I can see why as they don't make any effort to get to know me,find things out about me or try and include me in things.Sure,I could force myself in,but I don't want to be that falsely aggressive and needy for such attention.I don't need or much want it,yet it would be nice to have an invertation perhaps. I find myself daydreaming in fantasies of better days,away from here.I hope it isn't far off in the distance.I feel sad even thinking it,because others boast that these are meant to be the best days of my life-don't waste a moment,don't go wishing it all away.I know with pretty much everyone else in this place,they would be right.But for me,I don't believe it.I feel my best days,friends,moments are yet to come.The few people I have confided that to have looked at me with pity.But it provides me motivation,only slight,but enough to keep me going when things get tough and I feel isolated and alone.As much as this experience has tested me and above all,let me down,I don't really regret it.After all,it's made me who I am today and I have met some lovely people who have made it bearable.I also have an end goal,which I didn't have before coming to uni. But now I want a real life.Where I work,have meaningful relationships with new people,see the world,meet someone who wants to marry me,have children with me.How terribly traditional,and yet,so comforting... I think last night he told me he loved me.I'm not sure if I dreamt it,but if I didn't I don't think I can ever see him again.And although it's certainly for the best-as personalities,we don't really hit it off,conversations usually bore me or are about subjects/people I don't know and probably won't meet.He is ambitious yet still seems to be in the same place.and yet,there is something about him I really like.I want to be around him,I want to be in his life eventhough i'm not sure I can give him what he wants.It's the first time I have encountered anything like this before.And although I could list so many things he does that are irritating,he understands me and actually cares for me in a way i've not witnessed before.And it throws up a lot of a questions,i'm not sure if it's something that I should avoid or encourage.Maybe he's not the only one...I don't know.