'And the stars are aligned...but they don't have a line for us...'

I look outside and I see the winter creeping in.It's like the coldness creeping inside my body. I'm not sure what it is with today,I just don't feel like i've been apart of it,like there's the most important part of me left asleep in my bed while,like a machine,just power through the day with no emotions.I try,it's just it's like I don't feel anything anymore.It's like it's being leached out of me... Listening to old music helps though.The music that I deny myself,as it was what 'the old me' would listen to-fuck that.I'm not going to let the stereotypes get in the way of how I really feel,and the fact that actually some of it,is pretty bloody good.Today I want to feel young and confused.And crazed by everything like I once used to be.I don't want to have to fess up to my responsibilites, be prim,proper and concentrating on the future.There's time for that tomorrow,but today,I just want to emerce myself in a world where nothing really matters. The problems of last week still remain.i've not heard anything from him,but then again,why should I?I suppose it's hard to let these things go,however wrong they are.I'd have liked a goodbye though...maybe it's not the end just yet.But hoping on that isn't go to make things better,it'll pull me back to where I was before.no.I can't dwell on that anymore.I need something new,or,nothing at all!Concentrate what's in front of me now as aposed to the fantasies that lie elsewhere...I just can't help but dream though.Get through all of this and come out the other side afresh,ready to start up the next phase of my life. I feel there's a pattern though,that in any routine I have I just want to plough straight through it onto the next thing.I suppose the only real routines i've had have been ones built around education,so it makes sense I guess!I just find myself constantly frustrated by those around me.Do they want what I want?I'm not they do.I'm not even sure they know. Argh. I feel frustrated because I want to get away from where I am,but the only real place I have to escape is Joe's and when I see him i'm just reminded of all these things I'm meant to say,but can't.I know if I do,things will be broken between us.I suppose not being able to do that,knowing what may entail proves something,that I don't want that.but I'm so used to the way things are,change is scary. But I can't hide how I feel,and the way that I feel when I think of the future,other people still to meet,places to go...I need to hit this head on really don't I.