Yeah well everyone's got problems...

Karma has dealt me a fair hand.If I do and say stupid things it'll come back around to me like it has,and I deserve all that's occurring right now.I can't moan about being tired when it's self inflicted,but it effects my well being so much.I used to be such a happy person,these days I feel like an old women-carrying around guilt and the world on her shoulders,earning minimum wage to bring back to a disgruntled husband who doesn't respect her... That's not a very fair analogy,but sometimes I feel like i'm taking things too seriously but I can't help it when I'm such a downer the whole time.I need to get out of this,if things don't change it'll always stay like this-and I simply can't let that happen. Anyway. Head clear time. It's friday and i've had a pretty disappointing week uni-wise (as expected,-i've just come to terms with it now.If I accept that this is the way it's always going to be; unfulfilling,then anything surprising that comes out of it,like learning something,will be a bonus.An expensive,debt filled bonus.) and generally upsetting due to tiredness from work,a house filled with idiots and a boyfriend who doesn't try anymore. Somethings got to give now,I'm just not sure how i'm going to go about doing it. I'm excited for Monday but i'm not sure if it's going to happen because he hasn't got back to me,which,is probably for the best,but why do I feel let down?Possibly because I let him down first,so I guess it's evens and I should just move on and get on with things,our different lives...but I truly miss him and want to see him.I do hope he gets back to me about it,I'll cross the bridge when it comes to it,and see how I feel.But I want something to look forward to,I want to look forward to getting away from here.Someone who doesn't have any opinions on any of these things and can just take me away,if only for a day. Tonight i've got work,and i'm meant to be seeing Joe afterwards but i've too much work to do here really.We need to talk things over really,but I'm not sure i'm strong enough to.I love to talk,I love to analyse and think things out loud but he makes me nervous and I hide away, burring it deep inside me,to hopefully never resurface.But it's times like this where i'm wearing thin,i'm tired and shit's going down,I feel I need him and he lets me down when he's just not there for me.It hurts so much to say,think,to write...becuase he's a wonderful person and I know he doesn't mean to.But he does and i'm starting to wonder how many more excuses I can make up for him,how many more times I can pretend it's all alright when really it isn't.This is what happened before,and I did something stupid.But I fear it could happen again.Every time he lets me down;not texting back,not meeting me,not making the effort when I always do with him,I feel slightly less every time I see him. :( I really want us to be okay,I want to forget but I can't.I know I can be difficult to talk to when upset,but I don't want to be the one telling all the time.I want him to ask me,show me he cares.I can't keep assuming,relationships don't work like that. They can't survive like that. I've just got to keep hoping.Keep my spirits up. It's hard :( I don't know whats going to happen.I wish I did.