crawling out of picture perfect...

This always seems to happen.When I feel it slipping away,it makes me want to grab onto it so strongly,eventhough I know I should let it go,that I was the one that encouraged to change... It's just been one of those weeks.I'm unsure as to whether it's my constant tiredness that's making me notice the things that upset me more,or if when i'm my normal self I just accept them and deal with hiding them far better.Either way,it should be something I bring up in conversation,but it's so hard to.This won't be new to him and yet everything seems such a shock.I just keep asking myself,how many more times will I feel this way?How many more times will you let him know,how much more effort will he make? In the times i'm not working I'm usually nodding off,and it's those times I fear for our future.I want him to be in it so much,but I want him to show he wants to be apart of mine to.He never wants to talk about it,and it makes me wonder whether we don't have one after Uni.I'm going to find a job in London and live there (if all works out of course!) but I know he doesn't have the same intentions.I made a promise to myself to never let a guy stand in the way of a future career,and i'm worried i'm at those crossroads right now. It's all just ups and downs. I just don't know what I'm going to do.It's out two year anniversary in a couple of days.But then,there's never a right time to talk about things like this. It's just so hard to imagine a life without something which is a part of your everyday routine.What does he want?Where does he think this is all going?I wonder if he feels the same to,maybe we're developing into more grown up versions of ourselves,and in turn,are growing apart...when I met him,he saved me from an awful relationship,he completely turned my life around,he helped me grow into the person I am now.And all the things he's shown me,music,film,comedy,family,he's my best friend :( he is my escape,he is who I turn to when i'm lost...except times like now where i'm lost in these uncertain feelings in relation to him! But something isn't right.Because I look at people differently.I don't know myself like I used to,I don't know what i'm capable of,and,as much as that scares me,I realise that there's a desire in me that wants to see and do new things.There's an ambition burning away inside that I didn't realise was strong,I thought these uni years had drained it away....what's going to happen?