Back to life one day

There have been many occasions where i've been so close to deleting this blog.Attempt to remove the shame,the mistakes i've made,the bad memories of relationships past...But in truth,I can't bring myself to do it.As ridiculous as it might sound,this blog is a big part of who I am,and all the past ramblings of stupid melodramatic times that I'd repeat over and over.It is self-cathartic,it kept my thoughts together at times where I had nobody to turn to.And it will continue to do the same as I continue to feel alone. I am surrounded by so many people all of the time.I am kept tremendously busy,I am throwing myself into my final year uni demands,and feel I'm coping with it all okay.I do not feel comfortable,happy or at home.I haven't done for a long time,and I'm starting to miss what it feels like.Cracks are beginning to show in my current relationship,I can see where and why and yet I'm unable to find how to repair it.Nothing is his fault,he is the way he is and that's why we got together in the first place.And when I look at him,I see such love in his eyes.But I don't know if we have a future.And that doubt has opened my mind up to new things and new people...and old faces. I would love to go out and meet lovely new people,but it's hard for me to these days.I live with people who are intense,nosey and socially demanding.They are everything I am not-like everybody else I know.I long to meet some people who are like me,but I highly doubt that'll be happening for a while.From one angle,that's absolutely fine-i've far too much to do anyway,plus I don't know where i'm going to be permanently based for a while,plus it'll take me a while to open up and be the true me again.It saddens me daily,how I see someone else looking back at me when I put up make-up in the morning,trying to fit into a crowd I don't really care much about,trying hard to cover my sadness.I wish I could be honest. But as my patience is fraying,I find comfort in people I used to enjoy the company of.I want to be back there,I want to be the person I used to be who charmed these people once.Who always had the time to talk long into wintery nights and talk about childhood games and crazes...and someone I probably shouldn't have ever met...I've blown it now though (which is for the best,) but I didn't reply to a message once to meet up and now I think he doesn't want to know me,which is fine,what do I actually have to offer him but a load of problems and hassel?he needs a fresh start and he'll be an amazing boyfriend.But there's a piece of me that wants to go back into his arms and be transformed for another night.Maybe it's the knowing it won't happen again that's what makes me want it more,I don't know,I don't understand it.Or myself.I used to,I used to be so clear.But not anymore,I'm such a mess. I guess I just want direction and inspiration.Someone who'll offer me the things I need,the things I don't even know I need,take me away and bring me back again.I'm worried all this work is tiring me out so much I'm not giving enough effort into what I have now with someone who is so amazing,I just wish we could talk better.I miss the giddy times,the moments where i'd tingle when he'd touch me.Aw,I know everyone says that after time it does go,but why should I have to settle for it?I can't even believe what i'm writing. I love him,I deeply do.I just don't know what's going to happen.I know when Uni is finished I want to go back to London,get a job there and a flat of my own.Meet my lifelong friends,be creative and inspirational and just live every day being happy and confident in myself.It is my dream.I know it can happen,I just hope I don't let things hold me back,at times like this i'll do anything to keep everyone happy but myself.That's what I want to achieve.I need to.And it'll get me away from everything here...I just want to meet someone new. That's what I want.Someone who will bring me back to life.