What I am doing and what I have done has been terribly,awfully wrong.I have gone against everything I believe in, I did it in a shot, knowing full well that it would risk everything I have with the person I supposedly love.

When I ask myself why I did it,and why I’m still doing it,I don’t know.And that is what I’m trying to figure out as I write this.
One thing for sure is; I didn’t do it out of spite.I don’t want him to know, because it will be soul destroying for him and that guilt overcomes me every single day. I cry before I fall asleep at night and I beg to a God that I don’t really know exists to forgive me. Because I didn’t do it to get at him or hurt him.I did it because I’m confused and I don’t know what’s going on.

I keep a lot bottled up. We rarely fall out, we work through hard times which is why we’ve been together a nice long while and why it’s not difficult. However there have been many many times where I’ve wanted to say things because he has upset me a lot in the past and he continues to do so. I don’t feel like a priority to him anymore,and never really have. Sure I’m not expecting to be treated like royalty every waking moment but a bit of acknowledgement is always nice. To know that I am missed or I’m being thought about.Especially when I make sure I take plenty of time out of my busy days to let him know that I think of him. Recently however, I stopped. I thought to myself-I wonder if he’ll miss it and I don’t actually think he does. In our earlier days he did, although he has always been a bit slow-and I suppose that doesn’t prove he’s lost interest but it also proves he’ll always be like it therefore it’ll always upset me. Additionally, he doesn’t ever surprise me.And I love surprises. He always tells me he’s plans, what he’s getting me for birthdays etc, he doesn’t make me things-I’m not materialistic at all,it’s just nice to have something silly yet thoughtful-I always used to make him things, write him notes, make him cards etc but never really have it returned to me. Again, I don’t think this is something that will change.

I don’t know if he has me pictured in his future.but then, we never talk about it seriously. And that’s a big deal to me, I like to know his plans and what he wants to achieve in life, ambitions etc. I like to talk and communicate with him and yet I find it so hard to do so sometimes. He makes me feel awkward. When I tell him something or if I get upset, he doesn’t know how to react. Which is bad because at times like that I need to know they’re on the same page as me, or at least try to be. Whenever we talk about after uni It’s only really about himself. He’s also not keen on the idea of working, which fills me with a bit of fear for the future…he is lazy. I’m hitting a point in my life where I’m thinking about children and houses and marriage. Which is stupid I know but I am. I don’t think he is or will for a long time, I’m not even sure he believes in it. Tonight I will try and talk about it, what he has in mind. I hope to tell him all of this.

The sex we have I hate to say, god it fills me with such guilt to say, but isn’t very satisfying to me. It used to be when we were good but now we’re too comfortable, there is no spice or variety and I find myself not fancying it. I’ve suggested in the past things I like but it’s bashful and never gets off the ground. He’s just not that into all that, which is fine, some people aren’t. But I am, and it’s a big part of a relationship for me. I think that may be the core reason to why I drifted and did something terrible.
We are close, though and he makes me laugh so much, he has such a lovely face and smile and body and heart and I do love him. But I’m not sure if it’s just comfortable. I’m not sure it’s love anymore?

I don't know what to do or what to say....