Once again,I feel utter confused and head jammed.Everyone warned me,to be careful but no,I went ahead as I usually do,thinking i'd be able to manage it all...but I can't,of course i can't.What on earth made me think I could?
I'm in a lil bit too far and I should back out now and appologise.But for some reason I just can't.I love Joe deeply,and I feel dreadfully guilty for even talking to the guy and being a tiny bit flirtatious-I'm pretty sure joe's done it before to,it's an unspoken thing-we just trust each other.Now the glove is on the other hand I realise how much I trust him.How stupid I was before.I'm ridiculous.What the fuck am I doing!?but for some reason, Chris has me intrigued.There is a presence about him I like,he is kind and warm,mature and self made which I really appreciate and for some reason,we're getting closer and I'm not stopping it.
I do trust myself,I would never do anything that crossed a line,never.I couldn't do it to Joe.But there is a bit of me that wonders what it would be like to.Now deep down I can't help but wonder why I want to know that...why am I interested all of a sudden?Me and joe are the same,we're fine, we're comfortable...maybe that's it?Maybe deep down inside me somewhere I'm doubting something,perhaps doubting our future?I know I am a little bit.I think after uni he wants to do his masters in America, which would be so amazing for him,I'd never hold him back.But then,I highly doubt I could go with him.So I feel like it would have to end?Oh god,seeing that written out makes me feel sick and makes me want to cry!I don't want that to happen,it's clear...so why do I find Chris so attractive?This is the first time this has ever happened to me.
Sure,I should ignore it.I know that's what I should do.
But for some reason,I don't want to.I'm interested in him,I want to find out more about him-for what gain!?I don't understand myself.I am only leading him on if anything.A lady at work dropped a massive hint that I liked him (I don't know why-she said to edge him along-she seems to have forgotten I'm with someone!) I don't even know if he knows i'm with joe,it's not come up.It says on my facebook though.but in all fairness,he's never asked.I wouldn't lie about it,I just haven't said.
Why.
Why haven't I said.He's a massive part of my life.
I guess,somewhere in me,I'm a little bit doubtful.And someone has come up who's giving me some lovely attention and is willing to spend time with me and teach me new things-it's exciting,and I guess my current relationship has lost a little bit of it,but not so much I'm not happy...I'm so confused. :( I've got itchy rashes from stress,and I want to cry when I see Joe and tell him it all,but know I can't becuase then it'll look as though he's lots to worry about,when at this stage,there isn't.
I've just got to be honest.I should grow some balls and talk about it to at least one of them.
Maybe dad first!
Oh :( I've let myself down.How could I do this?
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