Hold Out

I think I miss home.
I feel like there's a vital part of me has been mislaid and it needs to be found again to help make me whole.Nothing feels right and I find myself lost in my thoughts about deep and scary things-the future,what the hell it has in store for me I have no idea.I once used to have some ideas,but these days I'm far from knowing anything.I'm even more confused now than I was before I started all this.I really hope something pans out,and it pans out for the best because I'm becoming increasingly worried about what may happen.
It's hard to take in,but it still means the same thing-Why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet?
I feel emotional and I generally feel unhappy.My backbone has long gone and I feel trapped in a job I really dislike-I achieve nothing and to be honest,it's pretty insulting.Because there's so much I could be doing,and yet I'm just sat there,doing nothing.Slowly generating obsessions.Bad obsessions.I want to be busy,so I don't have to think.

I kinda wanted out yesterday.Get away from all this shit.Because nothing's grounding me,nothing feels safe to hold onto.I keep being tested and i'm growing weaker every time.Why can't I just come out with how I feel?Why is it so hard?Everyone else in this world seems to rattle on about how they feel and how they think things should be done,where is my voice-where is my say?

It's gone :(

I always hoped that one day soon I'd be able to find someone who would actually listen,who would understand.Be all these things I feel I need and deserve-I work so hard every single day to try and make every single person I meet,happy and apprciated-even the days which are meant to be lazy I still try,still put in my all.I'm starting to doubt myself becuase it's not gaining me anything,I don't have many friends,I'm more unclear as to what I want to do after all this,I don't think Joe respects me any more...it's all wasted.I want to screw it all up and start again.

He just stares at me and says he doesn't understand.He doesn't try,he just stares at me blankly and I feel lost in this moment because it's happened before-we've been here before and I thought this time it wouldn't be like this.
He just makes me feel like an idiot,I don't honestly think he cares,I feel like i'm just a lot of bother for him.I would love him to make a real effort-to text me first,to make me something or have a little surprise in store for me.Want to find out everything about me-so many things he's never asked,so many things he still doesn't know...I would just love that,it would make me so happy.

But he won't.

And,I don't know what to do about it because i'm fed up of always being the one.


ONE DAY I WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT