So it seems my latest entry in a couple of months.It feels like a lot longer actually.But then,that's my general view of things lately.Everything just seems so...long drawn out.
I think i've at that lil dip again I sometimes find myself at various intervals of my life.The days where I test my body in silly ways by getting by on not much,by bottling even more feelings up inside,doing something relentlessly and continuously-when I could bail out at any time.
I feel i'm already there,at that dreaded brick wall which most students are thrown up against,-but I just didn't think it would be so soon.Already I feel that any dreams I may have once have have been crushed,simply,crumbled and mingled with the dirt-along with all the other wonderful and creative people out there in the world trying their absolute hardest and are suffering the same thoughts and feelings as me...are we trying hard enough?are we just impatient? Or have we just wasted three,four years of our lives?Not to mention a hell of a lot of money.
See there it is,that bleak steak.I never used to let it get me down,but lately I feel i've just been ground down so much so I let these things overtake me a bit.
I never thought I'd say it,but I miss London.I miss looking forward to something in the distance-because I don't have that now.I'm at that place I was once looking forward to,finding myself feeling utterly disappointed and drained.
I feel confident in saying that no,I'm not happy.
I don't think I have been for a few weeks.Things are going pretty shit actually...I don't want or like to admit it,but what the fuck am I doing with my life?I'm all the way up here on a complete limb-I should have asked myself before all this rediculousness began-Do I have enough confidence to last me through all the highs and the lows?No.I don't. I am tested every single bloody day.By my placement,by my friends,by my relationship,my family.Everything.And that strength I once had to turn it all around again is buried within.I can safely say-I don't want this anymore.
The thing is,admitting that doesn't mean anything.I will still keep doing all this to myself becuase,what else am I going to do?Go back home?Now that really won't be doing me any favours.And that's what I find most frightening. Where is home?Where do I belong?I feel so alienated here.
So I've just done my first month at BoConcept and it's possibly been the most daft thing I've ever done really.It's not there fault it's far from an enjoyable experience,but the fact of the matter is they did promise me all these incredible things to be served up a HUGE plate of boredom.A feeling I'm not at all used to.So I spend most of my days cleaning expensive surfaces I'll never be able to afford,smiling weakly at couples who walk hand in hand in expensiveness knowing I'll never be able to get the courage to speak to them about this stuff I don't even believe in.I'm not passionate anymore-I need to be inspired and I just get nothing while I'm there.Instead I watch items i'll never be able to buy on ebay,and,occasionally bid on the things I think I can-then win-then realise I can't afford.This boredom is costing me in more ways than one.And it tires me out.So when I get home all I want to do is curl up in ball and pray the next day won't be the same.to awake to the exact same thing as the day before.
It upsets me.This effects a lot of things I see and do.
Me and Joe are still ok.We're the same,I suppose.
I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one.At this moment in time I'm thinking it's bad,but only becuase he's tested me again.He always will,he'll always just think I'll shrug it off becuase well hell,it's Phoebe and she always gets over these things.
Yeah?Well,not always.And I hate it that you know it-and yet you say NOTHING.And I'm FED UP of all of this.I want you to pay me more respect.
I deserve so much more,and I feel it every day.I wouldn't say it to him,but I know it's true.so many people are unaware,because i've nobody to confess to anymore.Everybodys closed for other buisness.So I is all I have.I don't find myself as conforting as I once used to.I actually find myself tiresome company.
Hopefully this part time job will help make me feel better.and help keep me stable.Make me feel like I have a purpose in something...becuase right now,I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
If only you knew...
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