I'm experiencing a night of remembering the old times,the times I wanted to forget so quickly.And i'm actually enjoying the memories,the ones that are triggered by something quiet unusual.
Sometimes,I miss that person I used to be.I hope she'll be back soon,I think she's missed by more people than I realise.I was so care free and happy in all ways,I had so many friends,had crazy nights out and laughed so much my sides hurt.But lately I haven't experienced that childish youthful fun-I feel thrown into the adult working world,must be presentable and professionally at all times,personality crushed out with every unpleasant and rude comment,noses turned up shallow and undignified...I'm not cut out for this vein I don't think.
My last entry was trying to curb the emotions as of late,but unfortunatly they slammed straight back and I couldn't help but get upset.Sometimes the week catches up with me as I deny the times to have a break or take a moment to express how I feel.I am slowly learning and am slowly getting there.Eventually,I will get the respect I deserve.
The days by the sea front with close friends who accompanied me.The girly giggles and girly crushes on impossible lovers,the mainstream music and the terrible make-up,the chocolate and chips eating in the canteens,the stains of paint splattered on my school shirt,the notes passed around in class,the smiles sent and received...I actually loved school.And I miss this adult world where so much of that is lost now.
and with these passing memories,I also feel more strongly towards my future,with all the friends I once made who have now gone down different roads and am unlikely to see again (or see in the same light,) I wonder where I will end up.Who will I be with?Where will I be living?Will I have a family?Or one on the way?Lately,I've been feeling so maternal,and I hope so much that it's on the cards for me somewhere in the future.I realised that if I don't get to where I want to be in life,I will create such beautiful lives to give such love and care and inspiration,to get them exactly where they want to be.That would give me the most joy,I know it even now.It's such a strong feeling,I believe I could do it very well.I hope I'll be with a man who would want to be a wonderful father,who would want the same as me.I wonder if Joe would,but it's too intense to even consider right now,there's too much to get through between now and whenever that will be,who knows really.I would like him to be the one.But sometimes,things don't always pan out the way you want them to.It's just a thought i'm taking with me as I do my best in everything so I will be prepared in case. Because really,in this busy and short life,I need to be realistic.
I try to make the most of things while I can.Things aren't really as bad as they appear,I just miss having the energy to maintain my normal positive,happy self.By the time I get home it's hidden away to re-emerge a new day after much sleep.I thought i'd get stronger,but to be honest,I think it's just hitting my limit and I can't physically get any more used to it.This is just the way it is and I'm just doing all I can.Counting down the days.
After this palcement I will feel such a sense of relief and such proudness for myself and thankfulness to my wonderful family who have supported me along the way,-and indeed Joe who has also stuck with me (touch wood!So far!hehe.) I had to tell him last night on the phone I haven't enjoyed to lack of contact on his part.I understand it when you're busy it's hard to find the time,but I guess I'm very busy and tired a lot and yet I always find the time for him.To do even more than a single line of text-photos,letters,cards,pieces of art,phone calls...I don't want to always feel like i'm always the one making the effort.And it's taken me about 6 months but I finally let him know.I don't think that was an out of order thing to say,because it's true and he admitted it.So the ball is in his court now.I don't care about who he spends his time with anymore,that's nothing I can control and I trust him,and that's all fine.I am instead going to hang around with my family and friends more,to keep me busy and happy because I'm so fed up of waiting,waiting for him to bring a smile to my face.I want to be surprised by it,not asking for it.And this is something the new strong me will have to put into place.See if he notices.Because any other respectable person would have said and done the very same as me long long ago.
I just hope this will all be worth it in the end.I really do.
I'm just going to keep trying,keep on keeping on.And hopefully,things will all be ok in the end :)
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