Sunday morning...

In truth,there are always going to be things that challenge your beliefs and abilities.It's just whether you let them grind you down and wear away your personality,because if you can somehow shield them out,they can make you a stronger person.
It's weird,I think I'm good at shutting it all out but sometimes it all just hits me and I realise i'm pretty terrible at it.And my forms of escape aren't healthy ones.It's mainly sleep,which,although got for me physically,I never hit any of the troubles in the mind mentally,leaving it to just become to intense and too much.
I'm trying to enjoy how things are going,but in truth,i'm being taken advantage of and I have to let them,because I technically signed a form asking me if they could.So little money,such massive tasks,it's just unbelievably unfair.I realise I don't fit into that crowd,that scene or that form of job.I'm just turning up appearing as though I'm enthusiastic and enjoying myself-counting down the days,wait,hours,til it's home time and it is indeed eventually home time.Back up North,god,I can't wait until christmas is here.

I suppose with all this tiredness and being so emotionally drained,I have less hold on what I say to Joe in regards to my feelings-I actually told him I was a bit upset-which is a massive step for me.If it makes any difference I have no idea,but the ball is in his court now.I owe it to myself to say something,I have far to much else going to wear me down I don't want silly things regarding my relationship to add to that.I want to keep that pleasant and separate.

But it's so hard.

It really is very testing.When i'm tired,it is as though my emotions are magnified,anything from feeling happy to feeling grouchy,I am more reliable on him to make me feel better and I mustn't ever do that.Not ever.I should never determine my happiness on the other person in the reationship,it's not the way I have done things and I musn't start to as it will make me weaker and more liable to jelousy,paronoia--I don't need those things cluttering up my mind hell no.

I miss him so much.

I worry I do to much.
That's not a pleasant feeling...