It doesn't matter how hard you try,something always comes up to spoil things for you.
I'm fed up of all of this,there's to much going on and I'm finding it so hard to deal with it.I want to cry.I want to get out.I don't want to have to deal with this anymore.
Money,stress,travelling to far for so little,family,jelousy-I hate to admit it,but I feel such a nasty pang when I know he spends far more enjoyable time with her and not me.I also feel I do far to much for him,far to much,for so little in return.
Everythings turned to shit.I really need some good news,a nice sigh of relief,a nice moment of escape,but there is no sign of that coming my way any time soon.I am filled with dread.For any more nasty surprises around the corner-yes,I'm annoyed.I am filled with bitterness today,and I fear that when I'm in this bitter mood I believe I see everything so much clearer.
It upsets me the amount of times I say stuff and yet nothing ever changes.I just don't have a loud enough voice,i'm never taken seriously and everybody thinks I can handle everything,even being walked all over.I'm not a fucking idiot,I know what you're doing and I know now i'm letting you get away with it,but it won't be for long.
there is only so much time I can give,effort I can put in til I want a lil bit back and it's just,I'm so exhausted from all of this.I don't want to feel this way anymore I want it to be ok I want to be able to communicate but I can't I'm too scared and I'm just...too scared.
I need some friends,I need comfort and I lack it so much.I just don't want to be here anymore :( I don't feel connected anymore,I feel disjoited and when I try I just feel like such a loser,such an idiot who has nothing better to do.I hate feeling like i'm interrupting anyones day,I want to be welcomed with open arms but it just,NEVER happens like that.Maybe this is the way it'll always be for me.Maybe this is the way it'll always happen.Maybe i'll always get ZERO RESPECT and this is something i'm going to have to get used to.
I'm tired of the fear of the finances,now is the worst time to be a subject of fraud.Now is the wrong time for Joe to be hanging out with her all the time when i've spent hours making and doing things for him for a single line of text-it's just shit,why don't I say something?
I can't,because I'm all out of words.Maybe things will get better when I move up there again,but maybe they won't.Maybe he thinks that if he carries on i'll just shut up and get used to it.HE NEVER ASKS ME.Nobody ever does.It's wrong that everyone assumes I'll just come out with things,-ha,they probably know I won't but just carry on.It's ok to hurt me,i'm fucking invincible.
This week will be slow,and right now,I want it to be that way.I can't do anything quickly as I feel emotionally fragile and I just,don't know what to do.
I feel isolated and alone.I'm fed up of weighing up the reasons all the time,I want to be reminded every single day.
I'm running out of energy.
It upsets me more that everyone else can deal with these things so much more easily than I can,I just can't swan through life without something interfering and making me feel bad somehow.I carry such a lot of guilt and worry around on my shoulders,I try so hard to try and make everything alright for everyone from the moment I wake up to the moment I hit the pillow.I wish I could stop caring as much.I wish I could put less effort so I wouldn't get my hopes up,because I try so hard and get so little back from anyone,I'm spending all my dads money and I feel like a real weight to him...I just wish I could be somebody else for a little while.I want to escape this-I want to escape these feelings.
I really want a hug.I want to be breathed in.
I want to feel like I mean the world to you :( I don't want to always be the one who does it all.I want to be surprised.
And that's probably one of the saddest things I feel.I know I deserve to feel safe,secure and loved and yet,lately,I don't feel much of any of those :(
Take me away...
No comments:
Post a Comment