'In my life,why do I happily smile at the people who i'd much rather,kick in the eye...'

Worried,scared...alone.
How can you stop these feelings?
I'm really upset and I just don't think i'll be able to get up the courage to tell him why.What am I afraid of?Shouldn't I be honest,however silly or small it may be?Why do I think he's going to react way over the top,I think I deserve to sound him out,let him know.But I won't.I never do these days.
If something upsets me,I hide it deep inside me and cover it over just by carrying on,keeping busy,pretending it didn't happen.The same for when I'm angry-just put it to the back of my mind,besides,no good comes out of getting angry or upset really.It's pretty attention seeking and whenever i've been honest about in the past i've only had a backlash of unpleasantness,absolutely zero respect.
I can see how the relationship I had with Ben still leaves an impression today,that I am scared to let on how I really feel.Now I know,this will lead to nowhere good if I keep this up,it's just everything's so terrible technology-wise,I have no way of keeping up a good conversation-OR the privacy to.So when I get the chance to chat,I don't want it to be about silly things like that.I know it's wrong-I know I should have my say,but i'm afraid he'll freak out and think i'm wrong to feel the way I do,and do something rash and break up with me :( Being so far apart makes me dread and worry,feel far more emotional and ridiculous,I don't like myself anymore.
The old me wouldn't be like this.But my latest days drive me to my wits end,and I have no control over what floods into my mind-it's all stupid stuff that normally wouldn't stay around longer than a minuet.It's just a bitter cycle,where the tiredness brings this all on,and yet i'm so weak I can't even fight it off,which makes me think of even worse things.
I just don't want to be here anymore.I want to be where I know I'm happy,sometimes I lose sight that all this will hopefully pay off in the future.When in this mood I selfishly think 'sod the future-I care about now' and the long days drag and by the time I get home I just want to cry and curl up in a ball and sleep.This is no way to live a life,I need to be stronger than this.
I just want to know that he cares.
Because sometimes,I don't think he does.I think I irritate him by missing him,not getting a grip or chowing down and getting on with this,because it's not even for very long.I think he thinks I worry when he hangs out with girls and that I wait up for him every night-I don't do any of those things.He's never said,and it's highly unlikely he thinks any of those things.It's just today,that's what I believe.

I want to go back to sleep.
Pull the covers over my head and get lost in my dreams,taken away,distracted,to wake up to the horrible realisations to then fall back again into the depths of unconsciousness where nobody can reach me.
I want to go the sea.
In my dreams,in real life,both.I just want to stare out and take it all in.Let the sun try and gleam on me through the gloomy clouds and I can think,I can stay,I can feel no time passing at all.I can finally gain some perspective that has been so lost these past few weeks and finally,laugh at what a desperate fool I have become and from that hilarious moment,pick myself up again,and move along.

Because I want that,and I need that.I don't like my own company,and I need that to change because i've got the rest of my life with me.I want to change my ridiculous ideas and just take each day and try and enjoy it.
I don't want to worry about him anymore.

I want to carry on being happy.

I'm so tired.