Things are still,still-if that makes sense.
Things haven't really changed and yet at the same time,things have.So,nice and vague there then.
It's strange,i've experienced,as I do most weeks,a wide range of emotions/thoughts/experiences that have left an indent on me and then a short of space of time rolls on and i'm just me again and nothing's a to big a deal.
I visited Joe again,which was so nice.We had the chat again about her,because for some reason it was upsetting me again-reasons which are fair enough for sure,but I don't want to go over it again because it may bring up the old feelings I had towards it again,and I don't want or need that happening right now.I'm over all that and,to be quiet honest,my worries regarding that whole ordeal are out of my control.I've got enough things on my plate right now,and they're important things to-he has told me that he'd never do anything to hurt me and I'm being silly and have nothing to worry about.
So I guess that's just it.
Work is still intense,but I am actually getting used to it and am feeling myself again-not this unhappy,useless shell I shrunk into when I had any time for myself.It feels good.I may even start to be enjoying myself,although as soon as that kicks in,something unpleasant takes the shine off it such as money or family and it all kinda balences out to 'meh' and I generally feel unmotivated to progress.I suppose all in all,I will always be counting down the days as I look forward to something a little more consistent and something a little bit more in my control.Eventhough i'm an adult,I rarely feel it when i'm at home and I like the idea of getting away and being my own boss,I cope a lot better with things.No offence to my mother (it is largely her imput that makes me feel this way,) I love her n' all,but I do have fair reason to feel disjointed from her somewhat and we'll be like that for a long time-I won't say anything for a long time,not until I'm established and truly living my own life,because then,she won't have as much power.
I don't enjoy this issue I have with her though,this underlying issue that seriously needs to be addressed but I just don't know how to.
I fear so much about it.I fear so much about her.
Isn't that just so wrong?
But anyway,that aside,her,rick and eggs have been on holiday for the week so i've been at Joes,sians and dads and it's been wonderful.Just nice and chilled out and social and I feel rather happy.I've booked tickets today to see Joe again in a couple of weeks so I have something to look forward to again to help keep my spirits high when the going gets a bit tough.
Dad has,as always,helped me feel safer,happier and more secure.
If I didn't have him,I don't know where i'd be.Certainly not up North,certainly not in London-my two stations right now-so,indeed,nowhere I can pinpoint.
Counting down to Christmas now,I'm following the people I used to once think were lame.I think Christmas this year is going to be the best yet,it's going to be so significant to me and I just can't wait.
Next year is going to be great,I just can't wait to get started!
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