Success.I have completed the week.Well,just about.
But the stress just doesn't stop.It has been a truly exhausting week for me,one i've never experienced quiet like before and it's safe to say I had my moments of doubt and dread for the upcoming months.It was by no means,easy or bland-it has been very intense.But at the same time,i'm gradually adapting to it.It's just if everyone around me will to.
I'm finding that being at home is almost as stressful.I have hardly any money-the travel is cleaning me,and dad out and it just makes me incredibly nervous all the time.I'm equally finding it difficult being around mother,who at this time,just does NOT give a single damn.There may be a passing question-and then it's straight onto her and her aparent problems,and if i'm to tried to be enthused,she thinks i'm being darn right rude and will give me the cold shoulder.
I thought there may be the slight possibility of her helping me out a bit,so dad didn't have all the responsibility as I know he wishes she did-but like me,is afraid to ask.And when I did,nothing happened.
It upsets me so much.Everything is always such a massive deal.
It pushes me away.I just don't understand her.At this rate,I doubt I will.
I don't want to be here anymore.
She makes me feel guilty for having my own life,and doing what I want to do.I hardly ask for anything,I always do my best and I do well,I don't smoke,hardly ever drink,I tell her pretty much all she would need to know-and yet I'm just this irritating person to her,who she has power over and she knows it.I am afraid to act my age,and stand to her-stand up to my age and really talk about how I feel without fear of how she'll react,but I don't know when I will.
I've been living this for too long now.Living the way as much as she would want me to without treading on her oh-so-fragile eggshells because I thought I'd much rather be like this than be arguing and making her upset.But this is actually making me upset.It is stressing me out so much.She doesn't understand.She won't understand.
Why?Why do I suffer this...it is bad enough I'm away from comforts up north,it's bad enough I struggle for money,it's bad enough i've started this massive work placement which is tiring me out so much...the LAST thing I need is pressure and stress where i'm meant to feel safest.
I just want to cry.
Oh,I really am counting down the days til Friday.
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