I've been feeling a bit of a mixture today.My worries,thoughts and concerns have effected my appetite a fair bit so i'm sure it fluctuates along with my energy,but i've been a bit all over the place.One of my main concerns for the upcoming months is money.Travel is going to cost me a fair bit,and I don't know how i'm going to fund it.These worries lead to reassurance from my dad,he's there for me in all ways including financial concerns,however at this thought I felt sick.The amount he helps me out already,I am simply bleeding him dry.I'm always rather apprehensive about returning home,however long the time period and,although harsh to say,it's mainly down to fear of how my mother will behave around me.I know she's got many of her own problems,but i'm fed up of using her issues as an excuse for giving me a hard time.There is so much that I wish I could confide in her and just can't.She doesn't make it at all easy for me.Money is one of those things i'd like to talk to her about,yet never have.Her ways effect the way I breach many subjects,and after many arguments and complications and unpleasantness,most of these subjects i've just resorted to not telling her at all.
But she has made it quiet clear that she isn't going to help me out.
It makes me very upset.She doesn't ask me how Uni is going.She doesn't ask about how me and Joe are doing.She doesn't ask me if i've been up to anything interesting,she doesn't ask or wonder how i'm feeling.And sure,this may come across as self obsessed and whatnot,but i'm not saying it to dwell or to be something I can blame my own problems on,it's just a situation i'm unhappy with and I doubt it'll change.I know it's one of those things that shouldn't matter-I should tell her these things anyway,and I do.But when I do,she either reacts quietly,offended,angrily,or not at all,not by any means encouraging me to become emotionally close in any way.She doesn't realise that she's shutting me out.I feel like,I don't want to tell her these things anymore.She made it clear a few months ago that she was jelous of what I were doing,and she didn't want me to do what i'm doing now,and she doesn't seem to be warming to it in anyway.It just saddens me that again,they're going on holiday for over a week in a swanky cottage,she can afford plenty of time off work and she's always claiming how well off they are now-paying for Ed all the time...I never ask for anything.And she never offers.
It just makes me want to pull away.It doesn't make me want to stay.
I don't really think she believes that I will make it,-she won't be disappoint,because I don't think she has any real desire for me to get there anyway.Yes,I am bitter-and now the floodgates are open.I hate it that I don't feel softness towards her,or close friendship even.
I want to tell her,but i'm scared.
And on that note,it's time to sleep in the hope that i'll awake refreshed and ready for whatever tomorrow brings me.I really really hope it all goes ok tomorrow,oh I do!
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