It's amazing how much everything falls back into place,it's as if no time has gone by at all.Being home again does make me feel safe,and I crave the need for safety and familiar comforts that I sometimes don't feel when away.But I miss the independence already,and i'm worried about how things are going to pan out.
I suppose one thing I always seem to forget when I come back is my age,and that I need to act it.I'm always worried about upsetting other people and end up upsetting myself in the long run.I am determined to cut that down somehow.
I've got tomorrow and the weekend to enjoy before I start work in London.I haven't really thought about it to much,it's just crept up so quickly and i've been worried about different things.It'll be good to get into a 'work' frame of mind,I look forward to having things to do and trying to make an impression (hopefully a good one!).I'm going to keep my expectations low,though.In previous placements i've found I thought wrongly and ended up bored and unmotivated.This is a different job,though.It doesn't contain any designing (as far as i'm aware,) I reckon it'll be more admin based.I hope it'll turn out to be more than 'something for the CV' but all the same,i'm going to try and enjoy it and make the most of it while I can.
I've been watching a fair few interesting films lately.And there isn't much in life I love more than being transported into an incredibly deep,moving,clever,moving film and the thoughts that bombard my mind afterwards.It has been a while since i've seen some new and interesting films,ones that breach unique thoughts and subjects,or perhaps darker subjects people generally avoid.If it's making a statement,I want to drink it in.
I find myself enjoying analysing the scenes,I hope to one day come up with some of my own ideas for film.It has always been one of things i've put off,mainly becuase many who do study it,and well,don't usually end up getting anywhere with it.It's a shame that is the case with most creative aspirations.However,I suppose if you're lucky and very talented it can earn you a fair wage and a fair bit of fame too,so I suppose everyone's in it for a chance to succeed in that department.I'm not sure what I want from it all,sometimes I hate the idea of becoming famous yet other days the idea of being appreciated in my particular field (whatever that may be!) would be nice.I'm just brainstorming really,I don't really know where i'll end up being or doing.Those prospects used to be so exciting to me before it all started,now however,i'm not so sure.I think it's because some years ago I truly found my own style and thought I could go places with it.But starting uni I realise it's not a conventional,conceptual style therefore it's difficult to envision working commercially.-When did I ever want it to be commercial?I realise that my uni course is for the future-commercial design,which of course,is the way forward-it's the way it's all going.But i'm afraid i'm stuck in my analogue,retro ways and to be honest,i'm not sure if I want to change that.Changing that would be changing who I was.
But I fear that in able to get a first,I will need to change my style.And I will.But only for one year.
I have decided over this academic year to teach myself some of the many skills of Photoshop,to hopefully gain more confidence for the final year.I want to surpise everyone,including myself.It's about time to step up to the mark,and draw a new one to!I'm not usually so competitive,but I really want to make it worth while and above all,prove to myself that I can do it,and achieve more.
I'm just going to spend the next three months incredibly busy,but hopefully balanced,so I won't dwell and worry.I hope that it'll all be worth it.
I hope it'll all be ok!
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