It's been a long time coming.It has been on the backburner of my mind ever since I knew I had the placements.And in a matter of days,it'll all begin.
It already has begun.I am home,in preperation for it all to start.
Blog time is very much required.
Today wasn't as awful as I thought it would be.But it was still unpleasant.I really didn't want today to come.I mean,it sounds terrible becuase I enjoy home and it's nice to get away for a while,but for some reason this time around feels so much worse,the idea of doing it feels like it's something I need to worry about.
I'm my own worst enemy really,I plant these thoughts in my mind and they just bubble away and make me scared,when really,looking at the facts and being realisitc,I don't have anything to worry about.
It's been such a nice few days,though.they've also been rather important,to.
The main thing-I finally communicated my feelings with Joe.It felt amazing to let it all out and hear myself say these silly thoughts of mine and how he felt to.It didn't really happen the way I had planned-I hadn't even planned telling him,I just thought I could deal with it all myself,I didn't want him to know about my worries about him hanging around with a girl friend of his.But he knew already.We were at a bar,about to meet with her actually,and he was texting and talking about her and I obviously just couldn't pretend and went quiet.
'You know,I just want you to know that there's nothing going on there.' I was absolutely shocked,and then felt tremedously guilty and worried i'd been giving off these strong vibes to make him feel nervous but he assured me I hadn't.He completely understood why I was feeling the way I was,and told me not to worry.
I nearly cried.
Becuase inside,of course I knew that.But hearing him say it freed this burden from my mind and I was pathetically grateful it had come to his attention and he felt he needed to tell me the situation.He told me if it really bothered him he would do something about it,or if he felt uncomfortable with her for some reason he would also stop,it was just...really reasonable,and I was so happy.And still am so happy.I truly believe him.
I can't say if it'll make me feel completely at ease with it all,but then i'm a worrier and over-thinker by nature.But it's nice to hear and to feel reassured.
Thinking about the upcoming three months is daughting,but in many ways i'm not as worried about it as I was before.I think i'll be able to visit Joe fairly oftern over the weekends and I reckon it'll all be okay.As he said himself,three months really isn't very long.And the rate this whole year has gone by,I believe it'll go very quickly.
I'm dissapointed in myself that i'm worrying this potentially incredible time away,but hopefully when I get into the swing of things I'll feel better about it all and won't worry so much.It's basically just getting into a new routine.
I believe in me.I believe in him.I especially believe in us.I love us.I am determined to keep us strong!
Oh,I do sound lame.It's just a combination of all these worries rolled into one.It's nice to be back home with old comforts and lots of laughter with my dad and brother.I look forward to seeing mum tomorrow,however there's always a part of me that worries about what each home venture will bring.
This was a bit of mish mash of thoughts.I will update tomorrow with a much clearer mind.
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind then sleep.Sounds good.
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