whole.

It's good to get a bit of perspective on things.Get a sense of scale.How things today don't really compare to the reality of the length of life and the experiences yet to live.
The day itself is the only time I have to play with.The time I can do things to effect my future.Today is really the day.Until tomorrow comes,and then it's all in the past.And looking at each day in the way,is quite unbelievable because it just makes a lot of recent ordeals seem so insignificant.
And they are.It's all a lot of wasted energy about things that...don't really matter.If I look at the situation more effectively than I usually do,there isn't really much of a problem at hand-it's all in my head,and afraid of what MAY happen.I realise that worrying about what isn't there is frightening in itself and it's more likely to make the thing in question more frightening,ah it's a bit of cycle of mental self destruction.I don't like being that person.
I haven't been that person much before,and I don't want to be any longer.I just want to get a hold of myself and my life back on track again and be happy,and MY TRUE SELF again.I think I hide things well and people on the outside wouldn't recognise these things,but I want to be myself on the inside,so I can enjoy myself and become inspired again.
And today,I felt it kinda breaking through.I got out my pencils and I drew,and it was amazing.It all flooded out of me and oh,it felt like I was 14 again with nothing to lose and everything ahead of me.What do I really have to be afraid of?Why do I assume the worst when everything seems to be going fine?What good does it do for anyone?
I read the other day something very true-and something that will be memorable to me- 'if someone is going to hurt you or effect your plans/emotions/thoughts,they're going to do it anyway.' and although that is a bit pesermistic at least it's honest and true,the fact is,worrying can't stop anyone from doing anything that they're going to do anyway.
So,I need to take some sort of satisfaction in that and stop fretting and wasting time,becuase that's what i'm doing.
I've always said that anything could happen,that everything is an experience to be enjoyed and to enjoy just every single moment of it-anything could change unexpectedly,and I need to be prepared for that but keep it at a distance at the same time.

I'm going to stop thinking the worst for what I hold dearest to me.It's not fair that i'm making up this massive big deal in my mind that I can't even share with Joe,he will worry and it'll push him away in the end.I'll never be able to change my 'keep wits about me' sense,but I think that's ok.It's when it blows up out of proportion is when it becomes something more,and if he were to know he'd be very offended i'm sure.

So hopefully,i'll be able to keep these thoughts in my mind when I feel a bit low or vunerable and hopefully i'll get back to being my old self again.

:)