Lost all over the place

This is an entry on the spur of some raw,over-though emotion which,on reading back,will make me feel sick as it's all ridiculous.
I don't know what's going on in my mind at the moment,but it's just forming some horrible conclusions and it's all making me very scared.

Well,I call them 'conclusions' when in actual fact they are answers to stupid questions formed in my mind from my imagination.Why is it always so easy to jump to the worst situations?For some reason I've been almost convincing myself that bad things are going to happen and it's stressing me out so much.And I have no idea why or where it's all coming from.

*

The ability to think and mull things over is a deep and wonderful thing the mind can do,I know.However I don't like it today,or over the past week.Sometimes I want to be kept so busy I don't have any time to stop and things through.When this is the case however,I do miss it. It helps keep me in order.But lately,to much thinking leeds me to saddness.And it's ridiculous really becuase anybody on the outside-anybody who knows me actually,would smirk and wonder what on earth I had to worry about.But I carry a great deal of worry around on my shoulders and sometimes it can be just that little bit to heavy and I sink into quietness.
Which is where I am right now.Unable to communicate how I truly feel with anyone.
I feel quiet trapped in a sense becuase i'm such a way,that I can't suddenly come out with things or be down or a bit low.If that happens people react shocked and I don't like or want that.So a face is put on to quiet things down even more to encorage me to forget about it all and move along with things.
People never ask me.People don't seem to be interested or feel that I have this incredible ability to acknowledge yet never take on board,as if it flies right over my head,that I can't feel saddness or worry.
I feel if I did show it,I'd be letting people down.
But then,who wants to talk about stupid fears and worries from a vague,not so sure why sort of person?I don't blame people for not asking.

I,as a theme as of late,am mulling over the possibilities of the near future.And it's awful.It frightens me so so much,more than anybody would know...They won't know.
And all this worry and dread and unpleasantness is all becuase of me.How I am unable to fairly balence what could happen.No,it's all so negative.And I am aware of it all,but unable to talk myself around it-I try so hard to,but I don't believe myself.

I just can't seem to share this with anyone.It gets the same 'don't be daft' reaction,and rightly so.It's impossible to live a life like that,but somehow my mind keeps trying.

I'm worried somehow about Joe,but I have no idea why i'm feeling this way.Sure,when on holiday I felt a bit miffed that he didn't reply instantly to texts (which is stupid in itself I fully realise,) but I know that's just the way he is,it's nothing personal he's just very laid back.But since going on holiday again to Wales knowing he went to a festival made me so scared.-And it's SO stupid.I could never tell him,it would probably really upset him becuase he's given me no reason to worry.Surely if there was any danger of anything happening I would notice a difference in his affections and moods towards me and I haven't had any of that.I feel a bitter,horrible pang or jelousy work its way into my mind and I HATE it with a passion.Just a mention of a friend,a girl friend,I feel sick.Why is that?And not in an over the top way either,just simple and honest-she actually sounds really nice-why am I seeing her as a threat?And Lindsay to?It's not fair-on anybody!I've got to stop this.When he said that they kinda made up,and it wasn't awkward I felt cautious and suddenly very vanerable.But it's extreamly dramatic-and i'm not even considering the fact that she may very well be over him now,and just wants to be friends.
People are only threats if you make them out to be.
I don't know why i'm doing this to myself.
When I saw Joe straight after the festival we were back to our normal ways and it was amazing.I really didn't feel anything odd-so I don't know where it's all coming from.
Maybe i'm just bored,or just so un-occupied in other things that i'm concentrating so hard on our relationship that it's just going over-board!!
I've turned it over and over in my mind so much over this week,almost waiting for a friendly comment or something to tip me over the edge and yell 'what the hell is going on!!?' at the top of my lungs,and it upsets myself that i'd even consider Joe being unfaithful or fancying someone else.
LETS GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.
I mean,what am I doing?

-I,will not talk to him about this stupid thought becuase it's not fair or nessesery.It is awful that I even assume him being capable and heartless enough to do such a thing in the first place.
It is also awful that I feel threatened by a perfectly nice person I don't even know.Plus,I have many male friends who could possibly be threatening to him,but aren't-so there's obviously a bond of trust we both have,why am I now starting to wonder and worry?
Eventhough she's moved very near him,it's ridiculous that already i'm fastfowarding to them spending loads of time together-i mean for gods sake.He is allowed female friends!!Of course he is!I've just got to snap out of this.
And if there were a tinge of anything different about him or us,I would talk to him.We would communicate and talk it through-not burn it all away inside and assume horrible things.
Nothing has happened.And I musn't worry until I have a reason to.

There we are.
Resolved.


...hopefully.So this is what's been going on to me recently.In all honesty,I think it's coming off the pill thats made my emotions fire all over the place.It's a stupid reason I know.But it's the only reason I can really put down to making me be this way.I am ashamed of myself.I am so ashamed of even thinking it,because it's just...so unfair.It's only becuase I care about him so much,but then,it can have reverse effects and I don't want that to happen.
It may take a week or two to shift these thoughts,but i'm determined to not let it bother me or tell him-becuase I know what he'd say.And he'd be SO dissapointed in me even asking.
I look forward to the 1st of Septemeber so i'll be back up north in my old environment again,which will hopefully help me get some perspective on things.I am still very worried about the upcoming months when i'm here and he's in Leeds,but I hopefully in the next couple of weeks it'll help me feel much more confident on the whole situation.

I love him and don't want to lose him.I also don't want to lose my mind!!
oh dear!