Adapt,adapt.

I wonder where the days went,where I used to be so care-free?
If I had a bad moment,or a negative thought cross my mind,I would immediately try and spin it around into something positive so I could take something away with me,or make myself feel better-and help others feel better around me to.Sometimes,I don't think i've changed much and i'm the same old me.But it's at times like these,i'm not so sure.
When did I become so clingy?If I could see myself now i'd think; 'god,what a loser!' and I do,I do think that a fair bit.When I feel pangs of regret and self-loathing,it's pretty ridiculous,I just think-who are you?Why are you dwelling on this,made up situation in your mind?
I can't even write properly.Nothing seems to be coming out the way I try to.But then again,it's been a while since i've had the time alone to mull things over and get it all out into/onto something.

I used to be so...light.And happy.And I know a lot of people think that about me still,but i'm not sure I think that about myself these days.I'm far too...intense.I really want to do something about it,but then I just go and pick up the phone,keep checking it,knowing what it'll be to be let down again-it's not fair,I know it's not.But I still do it.It makes me look and feel so small and needy.I appologise about it a lot,becuase i'm very conscious that he thinks i'm bit of a freak.He doesn't say it,but i'm afraid he thinks it.-When did I ever get afraid of what somebody may be thinking?

I'm afraid.That I'm doing too much,setting too much of a pace-an unfair pace,that I know inside you won't be able to keep up with becuase you live your life the way you do,you don't happen to prioritise things I do in the same way-and that is by no means a bad thing,it's just the way you are and in fact you think of things in a far more effective and healthy way.But i'm not used to this.And I don't like being conscious of doing too much because i want things to flow and be natural,and when I realise what i'm doing a just...feel like such an idiot.And I get angry at you,and never say.And you never know,becuase I just don't say,and I worry if you do,you'll think i'm an idiot who wants attention all the time-and that's not the case.I just,miss you terribly.And I don't think you miss me as much.I don't know why,but it kinda hurts-and then I think well thats stupid becuase you're busy doing other things,important things,you probably don't feel you need to because we're ok and fine as we are,and i'm just way too over the top where is this coming from?I'm afraid for the upcoming months because we're going to need to rely on communication and if i'm not satisfied with it now then i'll be a wreck come september and I won't perform the way I want myself to,i'll stress myself out and become ill and probably cranky and then you may call and i'll explode and let it all out-you'll be hurt and take offence (and rightly so,) and then it'll all fall apart.
It's dramatic I know.But it's a fear I cannot shake because distance has proved an issue in the past for me,and I don't want that to happen with us :(
i'm scared you don't care as much for me as do for you.
And that's rediculous to say but I cant help but feel it.But when i'm with you,i don't feel that way at all.But apart my mind begins to swirl and you don't talk to me,and i'm always the one.ALWAYS.

this feels one sided becuase i'm putting so much on myself.Too much,too much.
Over-running and over-flowing.

I'm at that time where i'm erratic and what I write makes no sense and tomorrow i'll read this back and laugh and think i'm a fool as i'm so uptight and need sleep and think-IT'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.FOR GODS SAKE ENJOY YOUR LIFE,ENJOY YOUR DAY.

---If i'm so concerned or upset I should say something,or at least mention it.He doesn't rank it so highly probably because he's happy with the way that things are now,and doesn't need to keep on texting and whatnot.

I just need to chill out :(
-I need to ADAPT.
Becuase this is just getting rediculous and i'm bored of all this now.I want to be writing about fizzyness and excitement again.
I need to calm down.