Update

Sometimes,I don't feel like a very interesting person.So far,I haven't really left much of a mark on life in general,not really many people's either,barring family of course.I aspire to do something about that one day.If there's anything I want to save and keep burning eternally within me,is my determination to want to achieve something with what i've got,or what i'm trying to get.I need to give something back to those who believe in me.
Lately,i've been very low on funds for...anything.I mean,it's the end of a year and the loan has very much ran dry,but now i'm living a 'grown up life' and unfortunately adulty things can't be put on ice til the next loan comes in.Things need to be paid immediately which means asking for help.It makes me feel so low,doing it,eventhough it's unavoidable at the moment,with nothing in coming.The year ahead is going to be a bit tough in that department,as I will be working,but not for money.Hopefully BoConcept will pay me back in commission if I work hard enough,and I certainly will try my very very hardest to try,to if anything,make an impact.It's exciting,but I don't like the fact I may have to ask for help more oftern.
But hopefully in the long run,this will be a dry spell that I will one day look back on as I reimburse my dearest father.And hopefully,that shall be the near future.

I'm back home now,and it's so lovely to be away from the house.I know it'll be nice to go back to,and I look forward to it already,but just being around people socially puts me in a far better mood.Eventhough i'm already feeling a lil bit cramped and confined.It takes a couple of days to adjust to,that you can't just whip up a meal after getting up in the afternoon,and then just take a train somewhere,and come back whenever!But in a way that's nice.So far things are fine between me and mum,and I have a good feeling about this summer,that we will get on very well.

I feel slightly bad that I underestimated Joe in a way,as he did indeed buy a ticket down to see me,and is arriving on the 1st of August.And I am well and truely counting down those days!!hehe.
I miss him so much already,it's pathetic.I know he finds it flattering that I miss him,after a couple of days,but in truth I hate admitting it as it sounds I don't have anything better to do with my day than think about him.I always think about him,without realising it.And I talk about him all the time to-which annoys me more than the people who listen!Because I feel like i'm being too over the top.
I worry I just get too attatched to things.But I don't mean to,it just happens like that.I'm happy and glad that we're both past the stage where we were a fresh couple and it could have been hanging in the balence,I feel these days we're more than that.A lot more established.But I always feel those butterflies and always want to make an effort for him-I don't ever feel that nervy,excited,happy,joy ever dissapearing with him.
However there are times where I wish he would text back quicker,so I at least feel he's feeling the same way.But no,it's cool that he can get on with things and not make it his first priority.That would be a stupid thing to ask for.I just can't help but get upset,when I do always put in the effort.But then,I know he doesn't do it as he can't be bothered,it's just becuase he's busy doing other things or he's phone is playing up.It's not a big deal,I don't know why it gets to me.
If I kicked up more fuss,i'm sure i'd get results right away.But I just want him to do it when he wants to.
Ah well,just how it I suppose.

I look forward to when he visits,but I fear it at the same time!I don't want him to feel nervous about it or feel out of place-what if he hates it here.That would make me feel so upset.But i'm sure we'll find loads of things to get up to.
It'll be weird not sleeping in the same bed,-room even.Mum's not stupid i'm sure,but she hates the idea of me having sex-so we won't be able to snuggle up or wake up next to each other.Which upsets me alot.But I don't think dad will mind,so hopefully that'll be ok.I know it's all about respect,and I will respect mums wishes.It's just she still doesn't want to know...

Oh,I lack inspiration.
I want motivation.

I want to fastforward to January.I hope everything will be ok then.